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V 








A BUSHEL OF FUN 


(THE HUSTLER.) 


A COLLECTION OF HUMOROUS ARTICLES BY THE 
WORLD’S GREATEST FUN MAKERS 


“ Tis good to be merry and wise.” 


Copyright, 1895, by WILLIAM H. LEE. 


I 



Chicago: 

LAIRD & LEE, Publishers 






















































































































































































































































































'•* **>< - 


THE HUSTLER. 


McALISTER’S PUP. 


S F all of the battles recorded in histhory, 
Tould of in shtory or mintioned in song, 
The one that wuz fit at McGalligan’s Corner 
Wuz the beatermost one, though it didn’t 
last long. 

Ye have rid of the wars of ould Bonypart’s fightin’— 
How he bathered away until forced to give up! 

But woorse wuz the fight ’twixt Bill Cafferty’s terrier 
An’ Sandy McAlister’s wae brindle pup. 

Bill Cafferty’s dog wuz a murtherin’ villain, 

As vicious as iver there run on four fate, 

An’ he’d chawed up the dogs of the town by the dozen, 
Till Cafferty swore that he couldn’t be bate. 

Twas a bright summer morning — a day late in August- 
Whin the birds they sung swately from aitch lafey spray 
Of the trees that shtood nately round Sandy’s small cabin, 
That Bill an’ his terrier wandered that way. 





6 


THE HUSTLER 



McAlister win. down by the road shplitting fince-rails, 
His dag \uy aslape by the side of a log; 

An’ Bill, whin he see him, he shpoke to his terrier, 

Sez “ Sic him! ” an’ p’inted McAlister’s dog. 









THE HUSTLER 


Och ! thin wuz a fight that wuz well wuth the seein\ 
Aitch dog did his best to come up to the scratch; 
But ’twas plain to be seen ’fore a great many minnits 


at Cafiferty’s dog had at last met his match. 



Thin Cafiferty raved, an’ he howled “ Bloody murther! 

Och ! sure an’ me dog’ll be clane ate up ! ” 

But Sandy he shtood wid his hands in his pockets, 

An’ shouted “ Hooray for the wae brindle pup ! ” 

But battles like this, sure, they can’t last foriver; 

All things have an endin’, the great and the laste; 
An’ McAlister’s pup, so young an’ so lively, 

He soon put an end to the terrier baste. 

Thin Cafiferty swore, as he grabbed his shillalah, 

That he’d have satisfaction afore he was through; 
That he’d bate out the brains of McAlister’s puppy, 
An* mop up the road wid McAlister too. 





8 


THE HUSTLER 


Bat Sandy he ’lowed he’d a v’ice in the matter, 
An’ thin afore anything furder was said, 

He fired the maul that he’d used to shplit finchin*. 
Shtruck Bill in the noddle an’ bruck in his head. 





Oh, sad looks the moon as she crapes up the mountain 
To t’row down her light on the valley below, 

Where by a small strame near McGalligan’s Corner, 
Poor Bill an’ his terrier shlape in a row. 



The question, “ Does getting drunk ever advance one’s 
happiness?” would seem to be put to rest by the Irishman 
who went courting when drunk, and when asked what 
pleasure he found in whisky, replied : 

“ Oh, Nelly, it’s a trate entirely to see two of your swate 
purty faces instead of one ! ” 


Marvin Smith, of Montville, Ct., is the last one. He is 
one hundred and two years old, and can drink two cords 
of wood, and saw a pint of whiskey without his spectacles. 


The ladies —bless ’em — it beats all! 

When they are young and squallers, 
Their hearts are set upon the doll— 
When grown, upon the dollars. 





THE HUSTLER 


9 



BRIDGET— The only real American Goddess of Liberty. 




























































































IO 


THE HUSTLER 


ANDREW JACKSON’S EDUCATION. 


IT is not to be doubted that Andrew Jackson was a man 
of independent ideas. “ Gibberalter,” as he wrote it, 
shows an originality in the matter of orthography very 
different from the abject imitation of the dictionary which 
has characterized great men in general. And had it not 
been that Andrew’s intellect was somewhat warped by his 
early education, he would probably have manifested simi¬ 
lar originality in other matters. 

While at school Andrew was always absorbed in his 
studies, and often manifested that absent-mindedness 
which is characteristic of great students. Sometimes half 
an hour would elapse before he would discover that he 
was holding his book upside down. By a judicious use 
of the time allotted to mathematics, he acquired a com¬ 
plete knowledge of “ tic-tac-too,” and some familiarity 
with subtraction ; and when he gave his attention to the 
abstruse question of multiplication, he arrived at the most 
startling results ; in fact, some of his conclusions seemed 
to threaten all pre-existing theories of mathematics, and to 
shake the authority of the multiplication table. 

But his progress was seriously checked by the unwise 
regulations of his teacher. For instance, it was decreed 
that each pupil was to do his work himself, answer his 
own questions, and work out his problems without assist¬ 
ance from any of his comrades. Now, this seemed to 
Andrew — as it will to any intelligent person—absurd. 
He reasoned that, if he did not know the answer to a 
question and the next boy did, the most natural thing in 
the world would be to ask the next boy. Why should he 
waste his time doing a problem wrong, when, by a hasty 



THE HUSTLER ti 

glance at a neighboring slate, he might just as easily do it 
right ? He shuddered to think what would have become 
of human progress had such a principle ever been univer¬ 
sally adopted. Suppose that after Columbus discovered 
America he had refused to tell anyone where it was, what 
good would the discovery have done ? Suppose that Mil- 
ton had refused to show any one his poems, and that if 
you and I wanted to read “ Paradise Lost ” we would have 
to write it ourselves ? We might not have time. Such 
selfishness was utterly repugnant to Andrew — it made 
him weep. Once it affected him so much that he ate pie 
before he went to bed, and dreamt that Texas had gone 
Republican. 

It will be seen, therefore, that Andrew’s originality was 
not confined to orthography. It is a great pity that he did 
not have a fair show in his youth. 

IT was a small but select assemblage that gathered in 
the meeting-house at Crow-Hill quarters to see Parson 
Widemouf marry Parhashus Hazlenut and Miss Creamer- 
tarter Sponge, colored. The Parson advanced to the 
candidates. In his hands the matrimonial ceremony was 
something more than a mere adaptation of hackneyed 
forms ; it was the discharging of an obligation which not 
only justified but demanded a fatherly familiarity and 
painstaking research. Upon this, as upon many a similar 
occasion, his incisive genius probed the cold convention¬ 
alities, and at the end of the ceremony made the bride and 
groom intimately acquainted with the character of each 
other. 

Addressing his attention to the groom, the Parson un¬ 
ceremoniously began : 



12 


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** Parhashus ! Does yo’ take Creamertarter to be yo* 
wedded wife ? ” 

“ Ef de law’s ’greable, yes sah !” was the answer. 

“ Am yer Vised, Parhashus, dat she plays de concertina 
whilst her mudder plays de washbo’d ? ” 

“ I hearn so, Parson, but yo’ kyan’t blame de gal fo 
habbin’mo’ lub fo’ moosic dan for soapsuds.” 

“ Co’se not, Parhashus, but am yer’ war’ ob de fac’ dat 
she’m a mem’er ob de Crow-Holler Debatin’ S’ciety an’ 
de KrischiQ Wimmin’s Go’s-yer-please F’aternity ? ” 

“ I’s hearn roomers er de same, Parson, but I’s a chow¬ 
der mem’er ob de Keyhose R^fo’m Club myse’f, a a’ dem 
little ippysodes hain’t scar’in’ me a bit.” 

“ But looker yer, Parhashus. Is yer ’quainted wid de 
geolergy ob de fam’ly ’nough ter know dat all ’er auntsis- 
ters on ’er mudder’s side managed ’ter ’sco’te fo’ or fife 
husban’s froo dis wale er tears befo’ dey fotch up wid deir 
own allyby ? ” 

“ I is, Parson. I got dem fac’s in Creamertarter’s stiffy- 
cat er h’elt.” 

“ An’ nebbersoebber darfo’, widout any fear or convul¬ 
sions er de party er de secon’ part, yo’ takes dis ’ooman fo’ 
yer spous’, hopin’ dat she’ll tu’n out better dan de skedyule, 
but prayin’, all de same, dat ef she tu’ns out wus dat de 
Lawd ’ll gib yo’ strenk ter b’ar de calamus ? ” 

“ I does, Parson, per bonum publicus, as de Constitu¬ 
tion ob de United States say.” 

The Parson, turning aside, was heard to murmur: “My, 
my ! Ef I was a mason an’ quired san’ ter buil’ a chu’ch 
I’d go ter Parhashus,” then, stopping a moment to adjust 


THE HUSTLER 


«3 


his spectacles for a new trip down their natural toboggan- 
slide, addressed himself to the expectant bride : 

“ Creamertarter,” said he, “ does yo’ take Parhashus ter 
be yo’ weded husban’ ? ” 

“ I does, Parson,” she replied. 

“ Ter hab an* ter ho1’ de same not’standin’ de fac’ dat ef 
he tuc dat wig orf yo’d git de notion yo’ wuz marryin’ a 
aigplant ? ” 

“ Not’standin dat, Parson,” was the response. 

“ An’ ef yo’ knowed de trufe dat Parhashus had been 
dat egcentrick in his life dat ’bout de on’y place he’m lier- 
ble ter sing ‘ Home, Sweet Home’ in, am de county jail, 
would dat tu’n you fom de paff er matermony ? ” 

“ Reckon not, Parson.” 

4 ‘But see yer, Creamertarter”—with almost sensational 
emphasis — “am yo’ ’formed er Parhashus habin’a wife 
an’ fo’ chillen’s down in Pensycoly ? Eh ? Tell me dat ! ” 

“ I nebber hearn dat, Parson,” was the reply, with just 
a shadow of perturbation, “ but ef his fam’ly ’zertz im dat 
away, hain’t it mo’de duty o’er Krischin ter soove der po’ 
suff’rer ? ” * 

“ Mebbe yo’m right, Creamertarter,” said the master of 
ceremonies, with a somewhat dubious shake of the head : 
“ mebbe yo’m right, but lemme ax you dis : Does yo’ 
know dat Parhashus hain’t wery screwb’lous ’bout whose 
hen-roos’ he picks his poultry f’om, ? ' 

“ I does, Parson,” came with n^ little promptness, “ but 
I allers ’llowed dat ef I ebber tuk a husban’ I’d keep m’ eye 
open fo’ a good perwider.” 

With just the least show of disgust the Parson contin¬ 
ued: “ An’ not’standin’ de ’fo’said, bein’ soun’ in min’ an’ 
knowin’ de certainties er life, yo’ takes Parhashus ter be 


THE HUSTLER 


4 

yo’ lo’ful podner, fo’ better ’n wuss, share an’ share ’like, 
till deff parts one or de udder ob yer ? ” 

M Dem’s my sent’men’s, Parson,” was the answer. 

“ Den,” said the Parson, as he interlocked their hands 
and drew back to avoid the shock of the kiss he saw them 
preparing for, “ den,” said he, “ I pernounces yer man an’ 
wife, an’ I mus’ say, arter all de chances Ps gub yer, dat 
yo’m two er de bigges’ fools dat de plow er my ’sperience 
has ebber tu’ned out de furrers er human natur. ” 

Wade Whipple. 

CONCERNING THE INDIANS. 

You can trust an Indian as far as you can see him ; the 
farther you see him the better you can trust him. 

You have seen my escapes under various noins de plume 
in the border stories. My principal business has been 
escaping. Many a time I have left scores of bloody red¬ 
skins on the plains — with a fast horse. 

The Indian does not want much ; his grandfathers 
once owned this country, and all he wants is the United 
States. He feels that he has been imposed upon by real 
estate agents too much. 

One of the peculiarities of the Indian race is their method 
of dealing with their neighbors. Instead of throwing tin 
cans and dead cats over into their yards, they go and 
wipe them out, and that seems to end all further contro¬ 
versy— on the part of the neighbors, at least. 


“ Ah, I see there is a new star in Orion,” observed Mr. 
Snaggs. 

“ Orion ! ” repeated Mrs. Snaggs ; “ I have never 
that play, I think.” 


seen 




THE HUSTLER 


>5 



The Insinuation was too Crushing. 


Excited Stranger : How much laudanum does it take 
to kill a man! ? ? ? 

Drug Clerk : A-b-bout half an ounce, s-sir. 

Excited Stranger : Gimme a gallon ! IVe just been 
accused of writing !he personal gossip column in the City 

Chinner, . 















i6 


THE HUSTLER 


HE WAS A GENUINE CURIOSITY. 

w What inducement can you offer for a genuine curi¬ 
osity ? ” asked a man of a dime museum proprietor. 

“ What has he done?” asked the latter. “ Is he a bridge 
jumper ? ” 

“ No, indeed.” 

“ Has he eaten 82 quails in 41 days ? M 

“~Nop. ” 

“ Has he fasted 40 days ? * 

“ Naw.” 

“ Been in a trance, and been cured of a disease of six¬ 
teen years' standing by faith? ” 

“ Nixey.” 

“ Is he the youngest soldier of the late war ? " 

“ No, sir.” 

“ Has he abnormally large feet ? ” 

“ Nothing of the kind.” 

“ Has he an elastic skin ? ” 

“ No.” 

“ Eats glass ? w 
“ No.” 

“ Then, what is he ! Where does the curiosity come 
in ? ” 

“ Why, sir, the curiosity is that he never did any of 
those things.” 

“ Bring him along. I’ll give him $1,000 a week.” 


She was plump and beautiful, 
Ahd he was much in love. 

She hated him, but, woman-like, 
To catch him well she strove. 
But then, you see. 

He was a flea. 



THE HUSTLER 


17 



Teuton (who has blown out the gas) : Py chiminy, dot 
limpurger shmells goot. Dey must pe some fellers 'round 
here heppin a late loonch. 


His winter suit he proudly wore, 

Then wrestled with the stove-pipe slim: 
It slipped, and, Moses ! how he swore, 
His winter soot had covered him ! 


We always know what to expect when a public speaker 
says : “ One word more and I am done.” And when a 
woman exclaims, “ There’s no use talking,” we understand 
that she is going to talk until her tongue is tired. 
































THE HUSTLER 


18 



Within Prison Walls* 

Pardon Clerk (to convict in prison)/ Be careful, fellow, 
and not thread on my feet again. 

Convict; Ah, sir, I beg ten thousand pardons. 

Pardon Clerk: Not one, sir, not one. 





































THE HUSTLER 


*9 


TWO OF A KIND. 

Sportsman: I’ve been in this blanked town for ten days 
low, and haven’t seen a thing to shoot at. 

Drummer: If you’ll put yourself under my guidance for 
about fifteen minutes I’ll furnish a target. There’s a man 
down here who wants goods sent on sixty days’ credit, ten 
per cent, discount for cash, freight-bill paid, and theater- 
tickets when he comes to the city. 


THE OPINION OF BILLY McMULLEN, ESQ., 

Soy, young feller, yer must ’a’ met Jimmy Hooligan 
o’ der Fo’rt’ Ward. Never seen him ? Well, yer don’t 
know w’at yer lost, sonny. Jimmy was a hustler, an’jis’ 
you freeze onter dat fact. He never t’rowed up his hands, 
jimmy didn’t — I never seen him weaken. I’ve knowed 
dat man ter lie two of his size at onct, an’ w’en he got 
t’rough wid ’em ter polish off a couple more jis’ fer fun. 
W’y, onct w’en dere was a mnss down ter Grogan’s saloon 
he sailed in an’ cleaned out der hull place. W’en he got 
t’rough you’d ’a’ t’ought one o’ dese cy-clones had struck 
der saloon. T’ree o’ der fellers dat he hit was in der hos¬ 
pital fer a mont\ When his cousin Patsy was runnin’ fer 
alderman Jimmy told him he’d see him t’rough. Dey say 
he voted eight times, but at last he was took in. Dere 
was t’ree or four charges ag’in him, an’ dey convicted him 
an’he was sent up. Dat killed Jimmy; afore his time was 
up he jes’ faded away, as yer might say, an’ climed der 
golden stair. We won’t never see no sich a man ag’in in 
der Fo’rt’Ward as Jimmy Hooligan, young feller. He 
was a gent t’rough an’ t’rough — apuffick gent.” 

The Hustler, 2 . 



20 


THE HUSTLER 



Instructions in the Far West, 

Teacher : Tommy, spell cat. 
Tommy (well heeled): K-a-t, cat! 
Teacher : Correct. 


AN UNPRECEDENTED AFFAIR. 

They are forming a new Authors’ Club in Boston. The 
profession of authorship is so universal in the American 
Athens that a dime museum manager has offered a large 
reward for a Boston resident who hasn’t applied for mem¬ 
bership. At the meeting for the organization of the club 
the streets were so deserted that a horse-car was only three 
hours in passing a block on Washington Street. The old¬ 
est inhabitant says this has never happened before within 
the memory of man. 







TIIE HUSTLER 


21 


His Little Joke Spoiled. 



Smart Young Pickaninny: See me poke me head fro" 
de hole in de carpet an* scare mommy. 



Smart Young Pickaninny: ’Scat, dere, mom-? * 

— Oh i Oh! Oh! 


• • 












22 


THE HUSTLER 


GO HOME, REUBEN. 

The postmaster of a town in Kansas has received the 
following letter, but has seen nothing of Rube. If this 
should meet his eye he will know that he need absent him¬ 
self no longer from his Marthy Ann, she writes : 

Mister Post-office keeper! Respected sur and kind frend! 

Plese rite me a leter saying is there a man of the name 
of Reuben Jinks in your place. If there is plese rite me 
saying is he a smallish man with one leg a mite shorter 
than the other, dark complected and bawld in a place 
about the sise of a sosser on top of his hed, His hare is a 
sandyish red and he aint got no front teeth, and I don’t 
spose the black and blue spots he had over his eyes when 
he left home is thare yit, cause he knows) that raw beef¬ 
steak alius cures them. 

If Rube is thare tell him to come back home and behave 
himself and he kin stay, Winter’s coming on and he ain’t 
sense enuff to take lceer of hisself in cold wether and he 
kin come home and stay if he’ll promise not to set hisself 
up as ruler of this roost agin, which he aint and can’t be 
long as I’m this side of glory. Rube is my husband. He’s 
a gritty kind of a little chap but I’m mostly one two menny 
for him. Rite me saying is Rube there and is he coming 
home to his MARTHY ANN. 


HE KNEW HER. 

Wife: I’ll run into this store a minute. 

Husband: What do you want to get ? 

Wife: Oh, only half a yard of white ribbon. 

Husband (who knows the sex): Very well; I’ll call back 
in about two hours. 



THE HUSTLER. 


*3 



Still Another. 

Mrs. Mulvaney has been to market while “ her man ” was getting his beauty 
sleep after the A. O. H. ball. 

Mr. Mulvaney: Katy ! 

Mrs. Mulvaney: Phwhat is it, John ? 

Mr. Mulvaney: Do they be anny shtuff in th* bottle? 

Mrs, Mulvaney: They do. 

Mr, Mulvaney: T’row it out. 
























































































THE HUSTLER 


Owing to the scarcity of the buffalo it is no more than 
natural that the Indian should sport with the cattle on the 
borders. He must have some fun, or he can’t laugh. 
The Indian has rights which the white man is bound to 
respect. Now, there is Geronimo — an ill-treated man, 
if ever there was one — I don’t think that he ever killed 
more than two or three hundred whites in his life, and here 
they send him to Florida! They don’t want to offend him 
by hanging him or sending him to the penitentiary. 

Theo. Brown. 


IIE WANTED TO REFORM HIM. 

Oh, there is nothing which so pains me to the heart, 
said Snook, as to see a bright and intelligent young man 
who is the slave of drink. Now, there is Bagley on the 
Daily Intelligencer , bright, intelligent, talented, but with 
an ungovernable appetite for intoxicants. Now, I would 
cut off my right hand if I could only save him from his 
weakness. Do you know the editor of the Intelligencer 
says if Bagley gets drunk again I will have his place on 
the paper ? Oh, I do hope I shall get the position. 


A DECIDED BLONDE. 

Bickley: Would you call Miss Starr a blonde ? 

Dmgley: Well, yes ; but not a decided one. 

Bickley: That’s just where you are wrong. If she’s a 
blonde at all she’s a very decided one. 1 never saw more 
emphatic decision than she displayed one night last week 
when I asked her to marry me. 




THE HUSTLER 


25 


A Story without Words. 



NINE O’CLOCK. ELEVEN O’CLOCK. 


A native of New Hebrides once presented himself to a 
missionary, accompanied by two women, and asked to be 
united in marriage with them : 

“ Two! ” cried the scandalized clergyman. “ Impossible; 
my religion forbids polygamy.” 

A few days afterward the savage returned with only one 
and asked that the sacred rite might be performed. 

“ Bless us ! Now I have only one woman.” 

“ And what has become of the other ? ” 

“ Me eat her 1 ” 















*6 


THE HUSTLER 



Nothing New to Him. 

Bagley: Why, it’s getting to be terrible at my house. 
There isn’t a member of my family who will believe me 
when I tell them the truth. 

Bailey: Do as I do, my boy. 

Bagley: I will. How is it ? 

Bailey: Don’t tell the truth. 

Bagley: Humph ! I’ve stopped doing that long ago. 

























THE HUSTLER 


*1 



Those Deceptive Double Bars. 

S-say, Jimmy, make that a lemonade instead of a cock- 
1 tail. By heavens if I've grown to look like that it's time 
1 stopped I 













28 


THE HUSTLER 


THE CHICAGO WAY. 

Traveler (to first citizen) : Will you kindly-— (First cit¬ 
izen is already a dim speck in the distance.) (To second 
citizen) : Will you- 

Second Citizen : Can’t. (Rushes off like a whirlwind.) 

Traveler (as third citizen passes) : Kindly-- 

Third Citizen: Haven’t any change. (Vanishes.) 
Policeman (coming up) : Move on ! Why are you 
stopping everyone ! 

Traveler (desperately) : What STREET is this ? 

Policeman : Why, in thunder, don’t you look at the 
signs ! 


THE OPINION OF A DISTINGUISHED FOREIGNER. 

“ Nevah bean in England, have you, old chappie ? Ah, 
then, you cahn’t have met Sir Charles Chumley. He’ll nevah 
come to this kentry, don’t you know, for he says you’re 
all a set of blooming cads. He’s a deuced clevah fellah, 
is Sir Charles ; I’m shaw you’d like him. He and I were 
great chums. Such larks as we used to have, deah boy ! 
One night after a bit af, a supper with two little chorus- 
singers —• Sir Charles introduced me to them — we took a 
hansom, and Sir Charles got on the box, and I got inside, 
and he drove until he upset the hansom and smashed it 
into little bits. We were not hurt, and on our way home 
we amused ourselves, don’t you know, by smashing nearly 
every blooming shop-window we passed. Next day Sir 
Charles paid for it all. Oh, you’d like him, I asshaw you. 
He’s the fahstest man in London, and his family’s one of 
the oldest in the kingdom. He’s a gentleman born and 
bred.” 




THE HUSTLER 


29 



One of the Finest. 

Small Boy: They's a man bein’kilt on the block below! 
Officer: Run fer a docther ’till me an Larry here shakes 
aff a rubber wid th* dice. Oi hed three sixes, Larry, 
















THE HUSTLER 


30 



Heroic Measures. 

“ Dem as kin eat, en won't eat, 'll be made ter cat — 
'specially 'bout dis time ob de yeah! " 


Little Ethel; Daisy, who was dat man dat dave you dat 
tandy? 

Little Daisy; Dat was my half-brother, Jim. 

“ Why, I s'ould tink he was big enough to be a whole 
brother.” 


















THE HUSTLER 


3* 

A SOULLESS CORPORATION. 

The Claim-Agent of the Brass Bound R. R. Company 
sat in his office, his desk piled high with correspondence. 
He had disposed of sixteen claims for cows killed, thirteen 
sheep claims, and several personal injuries—about the 
usual daily average of accidents — when the office-door 
opened, and a tall, angular woman entered. 

“Be you the claim-agent?” she demanded, with a 
voice which sounded like a cross between a buzz-saw and 
a steam whistle. 

“ I be,” responded that official, briefly. 

** I come up here to git pay for the trunk I lost in the 
Coon Creek collision.” 

There had been a bad smash-up on the road a few weeks 
before, and this was one of the claims growing out of it, 
which remained unadjusted. 

“ What is your name ? ” asked the agent. 

“ Mrs. Lovelock, of Geneva,” she replied. 

“ Ah, yes,” said the claim-agent, “ I remember now. 
How much do you think your trunk was worth, Mrs. 
Lovelock ? ” 

“ Well, I dunno exactly, but I sh’d think abaout two 
hundred dollars would be nigh the value of it, and I 
wouldn’t want you should pay me any more’n it was 
worth. ” 

“ That’s pretty steep,” mused the claim-agent, looking 
at his note-book. “ Let’s see how you make it. What 
was the trunk itself worth, for instance ? ” 

“Well, it was a fine, large new trunk, an’ I had jest 
paid fifteen dollars for it before I started.” 

The claim-agent made a note of the fifteen dollars. 
" Well, what was in the trunk ? ” he asked. 


32 


THE HUSTLER 


v Lem me see —there was my best Sunday dress—a 
black silk — the material in it cost twenty-five dollars, an* 
the makin’ ten—-that makes thirty-five. Then, there was 
an alpaca dress, worth about fifteen dollars an’a new bun- 
nit I had jest paid fifteen dollars for.” 

The claim-agent kept track of the items. “ That makes 
seventy-eight dollars ; now what else.” 

“ Well,” she said, “ there was consid’able other clothin’.” 

“ What was that worth ? ” 

“ I dunno exactly, but I guess about fifty dollars.” 

“ Well, what else now ? ” 

Her memory seemed to fail her at this point, but after 
a moment she continued : “ There was about seventy-five 
dollars worth o’jewellery in the trunk.” 

“ That makes something over two hundred dollars,” 
said the claim-agent. 

“ Well,” she said, magnanimously, “ I don’t want to be 
hard on the compn’y, so we’ll call it jest an even two 
hundred. ” 

“ Trunk have any marks on it ? ” asked the claim-agent, 
casually. 

“ It had a kyard with my name on it,” she answered. 

“ Got the check ? ” 

She produced it. 

“ Seems to me you are a little hard on us,” said the 
claim-agent. “ Don’t you think you could reduce the 
amount a little ? ” 

“ No, sir,” she said, “ an’ if you don’t pay, I’ll sue.” 

“ Sorry to go to law with you, ma’am, but we won’t pay 
that claim.” 

She flounced out of her chair, and started for the door. 


THE HUSTLER 


33 


“ Wait a minute,”said the claim-agent, soothingly. “ I 
guess we can make some arrangement.” 

She sat down again, and the claim-agent stepped out 
into the hall. When he came back a porter followed him, 
bringing under one arm a small, yellow trunk, tied about 
with a rope, and somewhat the worse for wear. It could 
have been bought anywhere for a dollar and a half. The 
claim-agent looked at the card and compared the checks. 
“ Is that your trunk ? ” he asked. 

Her face was as red as a beet, as she acknowledged t 
with very bad grace, that it was. 

I “The trunk hasn’t been hurt at all,” said the claim* 
agent, “ except by the wetting it got when the baggage- 
car fell into the creek. If you’ve got the key there, we’ll 
open it, and see what the damage was.” 

“I —* I’ve — lost the key,” she stammered. 

“ Oh, well, then, we’ll break it open,” said the claim* 
agent, cheerfully. 

“ Oh, no, don’t do that,’’she remonstrated. “ It — it — 
ain’t my trunk — I borrered it from my sister, an* she 
wouldn’t like that I should brake the lock. I ruther take 
less money. ” 

“ I guess you would,” said the claim-agent, with a 
chuckle. “ I ain’t been claim-agent on this road for five 
years without meeting lots of people like you. We’ll give 
you fifteen dollars for what damage the water may have 
done to your baggage — or I’ll open the trunk, and you 
can bring your lawsuit.” 

“ I’ll take the fifteen dollars,” she replied quickly, but 
snappishly. And, when she had got the money and signed 
a receipt, she relieved her mind by saying, as she left the 
office : 


34 


THE HUSTLER 


“ I wouldn’t a thought a rich comp’ny like this would 
insult a lady that way. But all men ain’t gentlemen, an’ 
corporations ain’t got no souls nohow.” 



01 more importance than Home Rule to Shantyville. 

Mrs. McGuffin: Oi say, Moike, did ye hear the latesht 
news ? 

Mr. McGuffin: No, begobs, 

Mrs. McGuffin: Bliss me, if the O’Govern’s ain’t built 
a new bay windy fer th’ pigs. 





























r 


35 


The Kitchen Catastrophist. 

By “Jef Joslyn.” 


r^l '• hirf 
w* havi hit 
bnci ap&iti_ Tht 
ct ij-ic <iaomsu ty?, _ 

Who rnonKtys wi+lr 
>hi coal-oi l.can,$c 
<arly- •morninp’s h*d 
■^y; /\nd friis to A 

int VV&ITinf 
_ ."or wood to i 
/bum,7 andXfoiSl 
up Or 1 

_OWH - Vvr)iT(lht T iv 
no'■'ska.ti-ncr,'' Shi’ll , 
lit a. stria™ of. kiro-| 

Sin( 1‘ J 

TTickli 

somi spark unSiin; Art! 1 
\hhin uporj anickil.Thi 
-rim n ants of hir seaffiTic 
form Cam iasily b( JjathiT^ 

["hats found whin yi disrupTiviX 
Storm , Tht Cookinp'TialmS havi 

. jvia+hiTid. A stovi-li^r,oh.will 

/drill hiT patt; A door 'mon/jsf nbs^ , 

[pit tanpUd, A,lid hiT arm will am- 
pu+a+i; By prrati-baTS lip's bi manplid 
/And thin ihi whiTlwi-nd bla-^i which brawlt 
/And cjTclts 'round so cf id dy, Will mop 
up ciil.-noTj-floor and walls, With our dl s-! 
/mimbirid Biddy! out yit this warning 
jliri , I prn^vt,■ W«u .not d/S/may thi othirS; 
for Irish <t*harls wit! sfi.ll bitiavi T T 'inds-j 
parints- srsfirs- brother, 3 * By tr.f li-np witk/ 
rthlS? yfalla-n ttns.Wh'cb hold fhi dir* X 

Xixplosivii/And P'II-box coffin foTihi^f . 

1. < L. \ ; -i- U /V T ^ \i K I 71 * £ X •vt L 4 m /. 


Jw m . r /With PZZZ&xJ? 

^Carro S t 

WRamass&l# 


■O 


The Hustler, 3. 


.. :J 










3^ 


THE HUSTLER 


SPOILING HIS ENJOYMENT, 

Man (to friend): Come, let us walk down this way again, 
Friend: Why ? 

" Don’t you see that fellow over yonder ? ” 

** Yes, what of it ? ” 

“ Well, I want to meet him as often as possible.” 

M don’t understand you.” 

“ I’ll explain. You know that I am the worst man in 
the country for owing people ? ” 

“ Yes.” 

“ And that when I owe a man, I dodge him ? ” 

“ I believe that I have noticed that.” 

“ Well, now I’ve got revenge. ” 

“ How so ? ” 

“ Why, you see, the fellow over there owes me. When 
I see him dodge me, it tickles me nearly to death. I have 
been so hampered by men whom I owe that I now enjoy 
being owed. See how he gets around the corner ? Let’s 
go over that way. Say, hold on ; let’s go back- ” 

“ What’s the matter ? ” 

“ See that fellow ? ” . 

“ Yes ; what of it ? ” 

“ Nothing, only I owe him. Confound it, a man never 
begins to enjoy himself but that some unfortunate thing 
arises.” 


“ He drank nine cocktails at a bout, 

But ah, the tenth one laid him out.” 

So topers you may rest content, 
The first nine glasses without doubt, 
Were without harm and innocent. 



THE HUSTLER 


37 



An Argument. 

Henry Clay: De good book goes fer ter say dat dey 
shall be " ’nashin’ an’ wailin’ ob teef- 

Andrew Jackson: Yo’ tell me how dey’s gwine ter 
wail dere teef, brer Clay—yo’ tell me an I-. 

Daniel Webster : Hush yo’quarl’n’, chil’n’. We se safe 
’cordin’ ter de Andober parsons. Dey say as how de 
heathen ain’t gwine ter be lost if dey don’t know nuffin, 
and we come in under dat clause, I reckon. 


IN FLORIDA. 

He : I hope when we strike the Ocklawaha River that I 
shall be able to get a crack at a ’gator. I want a large 
one for my collection. 

She (with interest born of cupidity, and not understand¬ 
ing the vernacular) : You will give me the wings if you 
get one, won’t you, colonel ? They’re so pretty ! 














38 


THE HUSTLER* 


An amusing story is told of Miss Fortescue, and it at 
any rate does credit to its inventor. It is stated that 
while traveling in America on a certain Wednesday morn¬ 
ing Miss Fortescue decided to start early, see Niagara, and 
return to play the same evening. There had been enor¬ 
mous bookings for that Wednesday at the theater, and the 
manager distrusted the punctuality of the trains. So he 
gravely informed Miss Fortescue that the water at Niagara 
was always diverted on Wednesdays in each week for the 
purpose of cleaning the Falls, but that the thing would be 
in working order again on the Thursday. And the story- - 
teller adds (though we frankly don’t believe it) that Miss 
Fortescue consequently consented to postpone her visit. 


A CAREFUL CALCULATION. 

Sweet Girl: I like that rocking chair, but I’m afraid it 
isn’t strong enough to hold two. 

Furniture Man: No, miss, these chairs are very frail, 
but I thought you said you were engaging furniture in 
a Ivance, so as to get my bargan prices. 

.S. G. : I am. We’re not going to house-keeping for six 
or eight months. 

F. M. : Six or eight months after you are married? 

5. G. : Yes. 

F, M. : This will be strong enough, miss. 

Amateur Hubert: Me lud, five moons were seen 
to-night, four fixed, and the other did whirl. 

Muffled Voice (from the audience): Did jever — hie —■* 
try bromide? 



(iHUWuittwv 


THE HUSTLER 


39 






i 



Grandpa (half asleep): Sump’n’s burninn’ Chloe, chile!—don go fer ter let de hoe-cake git scotched, 

fer l’se pow’ful hungry. 

































































































40 


THE HUSTLER 


Poor Eliza Ann. 

A New York physician has received this touching 
letter from an afflicted father and mother living in the 
West. Other parents have had their hearts wrung by 
such conduct on the part of children who have not realized 
the high hopes entertained for them. The letter reads as 
follows : 

Dear Sir: There is something out of kilter with 
our dawter Elizy Ann. She goes moping and mooning 
around, a-drooping and refusing her vittels, and carrying 
on in the mostoncommon stile. We don’t want it known 
outside the family, but we are mightily afeered she is going 
to turn out a poet, and we are all cut up over it. 

“ Our family, for generations back, has all been good, 
honest, hard-working, God-fearing, decent people; and 
now it’ll go pretty tough if the old woman and me has to 
shoulder the ojeeum of bringing a poet into the world in 
the shape of our Elizy Ann. We feel the disgrace mightily, 
if we air plain, ignorant people. 

“ Elizy Ann says she is chock full of the ‘ divine affla¬ 
tus/and can’t help making poetry. Now, mister physi¬ 
cian, ain’t there any cure for folks when they git the * divine 
afflatus’ ? Is it a liver or a heart trouble? or is it in the 
blood? ” 

“ Elizy Ann is a good girl, and ain’t a bringin’ dis¬ 
grace on her old payreijts on purpose. She says she can’t 
help being a poet, and I reckon she can’t. If you know 
of any cure for her, please let me know, me being a sub¬ 
scriber to your vallyable sheet. 

“ Azrael Jinks.” 


THE HUSTLER 


4i 



Considerate. 


How’s that for a holder? Genuine meerschaum ; pres* 
ent from my wife. 

Well, if you propose to smoke that brand of—ah-um— 
cigars, she was very considerate in giving you such a 
long one. 



REGRET. 

When I courted, there was no one sweeter — 
None to make the heart of man so glad, 
Then I said that I should like to eat her ; 
And now, well — I only wish I had ! 





































42 


THE HUSTLER 



Generous Childhood. 


Cousin Ned : Now, Edgardo, if you will give me a kiss, 
I’ll show you my watch. 

Edgardo (who is blase): Huh! That's nothing new. 
Give the kiss to mamma ; she don't get as many as I do. 


“ Jones was at a dinner the other day where there were 
thirteen at the table,” said Brown to his wife, “ and he says 
he is convinced there is truth in the superstition. I went 
to visit him to-day and found him in a sad plight." 

“ Why, what happened him ? " asked Mrs. Brown. 

“ His mother-in-law had just come to pay a month’s 
visit. He says he will never sit down where there’s thir¬ 
teen at table again. Misfortune is sure to follow." 

“ Brute! " was her only comment. 





THE HUSTLER 


43 


One Sweet Child. 

“ Have you any children? ” asked the new minister of 
a parishioner whom he meets for the first time at a church 

social. 

“ Yes/’ she replies, “ I have one—a dear little fellow 
of ten years; I hope you can call soon, that he may meet 
you.” 

“ I shall call very soon, I am so fond of children.” 

“ I am so glad, I love children so dearly myself. Ah! 
it makes me shudder t o think what my home would be 
without the sunshine of my dear little lad’s presence. 
What a hold on one’s affections a gentle, trusting little 
child has. My little son is such an affectionate child. He 
binds me to him by a thousand new and fond endearments 
each day. But it is late, and I must go to him now.” 

And this is what she says, on arriving home: 

“ Well, what under the shining sun will that hyena: 
a boy do next? This house looks like a mad bull had bee" 
turned loose in it. I never, in all the born days of my hit:, 
saw a young one so full of the old Harry as he is. H„- 
will drive me raving crazy yet. I’ve no peace of my life 
with him. If I did my duty, I’d go to his bed now, and 
give him a thoroughly good dressing down. He has done 
everything I told him not to do; I never saw such a tor¬ 
menting young one since the day I was born. I’ll settle 
with him in the morning, oh, I will! ” 

There was a young man of Killarney, 

Who was chock full of what is called blarney; ' 

He would sit on a stile, 

And tell lies by the mile, 

Would this dreadful young man of Killarney. 



44 


THE HUSTLER 





What She was Coining to. 

Spriggs: How mtch older is your sister than you, 
Johnny? 

Johnny: I dunno. Maud uster be twenty-five years, 
then she was twenty, and now she ain't only eighteen. I 
gusss well soon be twins. 

You accept it, without contradiction, 

That “ Truth is stranger than Fiction." 

But why ? We can make a good guess of it: 
Because there is so much less of it 












THE HUSTLER 


45 


Did the Boy Steal the Chain or the Dog? 

An amusing effort was made by a Williamsburg lawyer 
some time ago in the local police court to secure the dis¬ 
charge from custody of a boy who had been arrested lor 
stealing a dog. The lawyer is John A. Donnelly. In the 
case mentioned, a witness for the complainant had given 
his testimony to the effect that he saw the boy go in an 
area-way and bring forth the dog, which he made off with. 
Mr. Donnelly cross-questioned the witness: 

“ There was a chain attached to the dog, wasn’t 
there? ” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“ You saw the boy go into the yard and pick up one 
end of the chain, didn’t you? ” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“ The boy didn’t touch the dog, did he? ” 

“ I don’t think he did.” 

“ When the boy took up one end of the chain, the dog 
followed it? ” 
w He did.” 

“ The dog made no attempt to get away, did he? ” 

“ Not that I noticed.” 

" Simply followed after the chain which the boy 
walked away with? ” 

“ Yes, sir. ” 

“ Then, your honor,” said the lawyer, while a broad 
grin of expectation lighted up the faces of the crowd in 
the court-room, “ I move for this defendant’s discharge on 
the ground that the complaint is improperly drawn. We 

will admit purloining the chain, but the evidence of com- 


46 


THE HUSTLER 


plainant’s own witness shows that no attempt was made to 
interfere with the actions of the dog.” 

The magistrate laughed heartily, but, needless to say, 
he denied the motion, and gave the dog thief a mild sen¬ 
tence. 


Prize Winners. 

We played progressive euchre 
The livelong winter through. 

She was a skillful player, 

And I was lucky, too. 

Our luck gave rise to envy, 

And us together drew, 

Whereat — since she was charming — 
I murmured not. Would you? 

So, when the playing ended, 

Each night she took my arm, 

And, acting as her escort, 

I yielded to Love’s charm. 

A year now we’ve been married, 
And, much to our surprise, 

Somehow we both keep thinking 
We won the booby prize. 


“ Uncle ’Rastus, you’re failing fast. You’re eighty, 
and I guess this is the last year of your life.” 

“ Well, maybe it is, boss; but I don’t know dat I’m 
failing. Anyhow, I’m a good bit stronger than I whar 
de fust yar of my life.” 




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47 



A Reasonable Inference. 


Stranger (to boy): What’s the row in there, boy? 

Boy on Telegraph Pole: De New Yo’ks is pounding de Detroits pitcher all 
over de field and now he’s knocked cold. 

Stranger (solo voce): I thought a murder must be going on or the police 
wouldn’t be hanging around outside. 






































48 


TIIE HUSTLER 


Ho.w the Hog’s Were Blinded. 

Mr. William Kerns not long since had a visit from a 
friend from the East, who wished to purchase lands and 
locate somewhere in this State. Mr. Kerns sent his friend 
out to look at the Umpqua Valley, and he returned with a 
wonderful tale of the section he visited. 

He said he visited a farmer who had a great drove of 
hogs, all of which had lost their tails. He inquired how 
this had happened, and the farmer said the caudal append¬ 
ages had been amputated; and it was asked why this was 
done. He was told it was to prevent the animals from 
becoming blind. This starting announcement led to 
further inquiry and explanation. 

The farmer stated that the soil on his farm was that 
known as black mud. It is very rich, and also very ad¬ 
hesive, and the pigs, in wallowing around, get their tails 
daubed with it, and a clod finally accumulates on each pig’s 
tail, which grows by accretion and accumulation to an im¬ 
mense size, and becomes so heavy that it drags back the pig’s 
skin so far that the unfortunate animal is no longer able to 
shut his eyes, and soon becomes blinded from the glare of 
the sun. By cutting off the pig’s tail, this catastrophe is 
avoided, and the pig soon grows fat. 


He: They had a long letter at home from my sister 
this morning. She doesn’t appear to find the climate half 
so trying as she expected. 

She: That’s satisfactory, I’m sure. And now you 
must tell me all her news. 

He: I’m afraid I can’t. You see they hadn’t got to 
the postscript when I left for the city. 



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49 





Exceedingly Busy. 

Stranger : I would like to see the doctor at once, please. 

Doctor's Wife: The doctor is engaged just now. 

Stranger : But, madame, it is a matter of life or death. 

Doctor's Wife: I don’t think you could see the doctor under any circum¬ 
stances. 

Stranger: Madame, I must. 

Doctor's Wife: Oh, well, if you must, you must. I’ll send the man to 
flee if the doctor can stop digging bait for a few minutes. 

































5° 


TIIE HUSTLER 



“ Petie Swipe stole second base . 1 



“ Captain Threebaser put Grinning Billy in the box 
to pitch. ” 


Designed for the information of those ignorant of the 
national game, and who must therefore read base ball 
reports with open mouths, 








TIIE HUSTLER 5 i 

A Western Tragedy. 

The Vigilantes had just captured a noted gambler, 
and, leading him to a convenient tree, were about to string 
him up. 

The victim, despairingly: “ Pity me for my mother’s 
gray hair! ” 

[They bind him hand and foot.] 

The victim, beseechingly: $12,000 if you spare my 
life! ” 

[They fit the noose about his neck.] 

The victim, earnestly: “ The title to the richest gold 
mine in the West! ” 

[They seize the rope and prepare to haul him up.] 

The victim, confidently: “ Say, boys, let me off, and 
I’ll show you how to hold four aces every time! ” 

The Vigilantes in chorus: “Unbind him—for his 
mother’s sake — pity — too bad to hang — such a 
borough gentleman.” 

[They kneel before the gamble*.] 

Tableau. 


The Sunday-school teacher had been telling his class 

the story of Jacob’s Ladder. 

“ But, please, teacher,” said one of the urchins, “ I 
don’t see what the angels wanted with a ladder when 
they’d got wings.” 

“ Can any of you other boys explain that?” said the 
teacher. “ What do you say, Tommy? ” 

Tommy looked doubtful for a moment. “ I suppose 
hey was moaltia 

The Hustler. 4 » 



52 


THE HUSTLER 


A Lesson in Economy. 

John: Clara, I find that we are living at the rate of 
$3,500 a year. Our income is only $2,000, you know. 

Clara: Gracious, John,howyou startle me! I sup¬ 
pose we must begin to economize? 

John: Exactly. 

Clara: Well, everybody knows it’s the little things 
that count up. Let us begin by saving the little things. 

John: The very idea, Clara. The first principle of 
economy. 

Clara: Yes; and I am sure we can save a great deal 
now during Lent. For instance, Fridays we might do 
without pudding for dinner, and — and have salt fish 
instead of chops for breakfast. 

John: Yes, dear; a good beginning. But now I 
must be off. 

Clara: Oh, John, before you go — 

John: Well, Clara? 

Clara: I do wish you would stop in Smith’s on your 
way up to dinner and look at that new brocade. It’s a 
lovely pattern, dear, and only costs $300 made up. Mr. 
Smith says it’s a great bargain. 


Degrees of Silence. 

“ It was so still in the hall,” said Dobbins, speaking of 
the concert, “ that you could have heard a pin drop. ” 

“ Was there a large audience? ” asked Peterby. 

“ The house was half full.” 

“ Is that all? Hm! you ought to hear the silence there 
when there is a full house. Oh, it's something 
grand! ” 



THE HUSTLER 


53 



Pertinent. 

He: I see that Oscar Wilde has reiterated that America 
will never take her place among the nations until she 
can show some ruins. 

She: I wonder if Oscar ever heard of the Grant 

Monument fund. 














THE HUSTLER 


5 | 

Won’t Do to Fool with Her. 

Backzvoods School Teacher (in Tennessee, to girl): 
Why were you away from school during the past two 
weeks? 

Girl: Becaze I thought that I was goin’ ter git 
married. 

“ Did the young man fail to appear at the appointed 
time? ” 

“ Oh, he woulder been thar all right ef it hadn’t been 
fur mar. ” 

“ What did she do? 

“ Wall, she tuck a dislike ter Dave — that’s the name 
uv the feller.” 

' “ Isn’t he a man of good habits? ” 

“ Well, he gits drunk sometimes an’ fights right smart, 
but that didn’t make no difference ter mar. It was thiser 
way: We wuz to be married on a Friday. Wall, Thurs¬ 
day evenin’ Dave he came over. Mar wus a-b’ilin’ soap 
out in the yard. She had commenced stirrin’ it ter the 
right, an’ had got it ter b’ilin’ all right, but Dave he tuck 
up the stick an’ stirred it ter the left, an’ mar she snatched 
the stick outen his hand and knocked him down, an’ then 
driv him oft’n the place. Oh, it won’t do ter fool with mar 
when she’s makin’ uv soap.” 


Customer: I want a few red herrings. 

Fishmonger: Don’t keep ’em, mum. We’ve no call 
for ’em in this neighborhood. 

“ How is that? ” 

“ Well, mum, the people about here is mostly teetotal, 
an* they’re afs&r o’ being led into temptation/* 



'* ixIC HUSTLER 5 



A Close Shave. 

Professor Pluggug (after the introduction): Charmed to 
meet you Miss Van Riper, more particularly because if 
you are one of Albany Van Riper’s, your father and I are 
cousins. 

Miss Van Riper (sweetly, but with untold relief) : Oh, 
Fm awfully sorry, it’s so nice to meet one’s relatives, but 
we live in East Albany. 


“ Doctor, I have a pain in my chest, and I can’t sleep. 
What is it?” 

“ Ten dollars, please.” 





THE HUSTLER 


i j 

5 f i THE HUSTLER 

\ 
i 

It Was a Surprise, 

They had been housekeeping about two weeks, and 
one evening, when he went home, his little wifey girl, as he 
fondly called her, met him in the hall, and said, gayly: 

“ Oh, I’ve a splendid surprise for you, dearie.” 

“ Have you? ” he asked, merrily, “ well, what is 
it? ” 


“ Oh, I’m not going to tell; you’ve got to find out for 
yourself; you’ll be awfully surprised,” and she chuckled 
gleefully as she sat down to the table. 

“ All right, pussy,” he said; “ I’ll spy it out presently, 
or, — great Scott! whai under heaven has the cook done 
to these biscuits? They’re green and soapy with soda, 
and they’ll weigh a pound each, and — why, what’s the 
matter, birdie? ” 

“ You —you’re j-j-ust as mean as you can be! — I— I — 
made them myself — boo-hoo — and they were the sur¬ 
prise — boo-hoo-hoo! ”— Drake's Magazine . 


She Wanted to Know. 

A lady on a railroad train was surprised to feel a 
hand laid on the back of her head, while a bony finger 
began prodding around her back hair. Turning, she 
caught a long, lank, sharp-featured female in the act of 
drawing her hand slyly away. 

“ What is it? ” asked the lady. 

“ Oh, nothin’, nothin’,” said the lank female, coolly; 
“ I ben wonderin’ for a hour if that was all your own hair. 
It ain’t, is it? Hain’t part of it a switch? I kinder 
wanted to know, that’s all.” 



THE HUSTLER 


57 



He had Him. 

Tenant (who has called with reference to his rent): You 
occupied the house yourself before I moved in, and of 
course know its condition. 

Landlord: Yes sir, and I can’t take off a cent. 

Tenant (brightening up): All right, that’s what I wanted 
to know. I found a $1000 Government Bond in one of 
the closets, and am going down to deposit it, good- 
morning ! 

















58 


THE HUSTLER 


Literary Notes, 

We have on our desk several posthumous novels — 
that is, novels written after the death of the authors. This 
kind of novel is very fashionable nowadays, some writ¬ 
ers doing their best work after they are dead, 

James Russell Lowell and Julian Hawthorne are lay¬ 
ing low for each other. Jim says it won’t be well for Jule 
if he catches him out, and Jule says he ain’t afraid to knock 
a chip off Jim’s shoulder any day. Oliver Wendell Holmes 
says he’ll hold their coats, and Sullivan has offered to be 
referee. 

From a paper called “ Authors at Home,” we discover 
that Oliver Wendell Holmes eats, sleeps, drinks, walks, 
and talks pretty much as the rest of us do. This is news 
to us Kansas folks. Aldrich gets up at seven o’clock and 
eighteen minutes, eats breakfast at four minutes after eight, 
prinks until six minutes after nine, writes from three min¬ 
utes until ten to eight minutes after two. He eats a big 
dinner at five and a quarter, gives it sixty-nine minutes to 
digest, and is then ready for poetry orders. These facts 
about our leading literary guns are of the highest interest 
to our nation, and we want more of them. Tell us if 
Howells believes in red flannels? What is the size of Sted- 
man’s collar? Does Miss Phelps use sugar in her tea? Is 
it true that Kate Field won’t wear a bustle? Is it a fact 
that Miss Alcott knits her own stockings? Does Whittier 
really eat buckwheat cakes and sausage? Is it so that 
Nora Perry never had the measles? Give us r^ore of this 
w Home Life ” business. 


THE HUSTLER 


55 


Mark Twain is worth $150,000,000. Joel Chandler 
Harris has $10,000,000 in government bonds, owns two 
yachts, has a castle on the Rhine, villas at Newport, 
Lenox, Saratoga; winter residences at Los Angeles, Cal., 
and Jacksonville, Fla., a palace in Paris, and one in 
Petersburg, and landed estates in nine different countries. 
At present he is one of the editors of a Georgia 
paper. 

He Got Discouraged. 

“ Pretty rough, this Oklahoma business, but no 
rougher than Texas was when I first went out there,” said 
the man with the sandy goatee, as he laid aside his paper. 

" Were you ranching? ” asked one of the group. 

“ No, sir; I was a railroad station agent.” 

“ Must have seen a good deal of lawlessness.” 

“ Oceans of it, sir; oceans of it. I had to kill five 
men in the year 1866.” 

“ You did!” 

“ Yes, sir; and wounded as many more. Didn't want 
to do it, you know; but it was kill or be killed. The 
crowd let me alone after a while, but the Indians were a 
great nuisance. I was just counting up how many I killed 
in twenty-eight months, and I am greatly disappointed.” 

“ How many did you make out?” 

“ Only thirty-four, but I am satisfied that I have left 
out seven or eight somehow. When such a thing as that 
is once off your mind, it is hard to recall exact figures.” 

“ You have had some narrow escapes. ” 

“ Over a hundred, sir, and been wounded sixteen dif¬ 
ferent times. The boys once put up a rattlesnake job on 
me to try my nerve.” 

“ How was it? ” 


6o 


THE HUSTLER 


“ They caught five big fellows, and turned ’em loose 
in my office while I was at supper. When I returned I 
was very busy thinking, and so walked right in on them 
without warning.” 

“ Mercy on me! and then? ” 

“ I got seated at my desk, and the serpents began to 
rattle and menace me. Three of the boys were looking in 
at the window, and I was determined not to show any 
weakness.” 

“ But you might have been bitten.” 

“ I was bitten. Three of the snakes struck me in the 
left leg.” 

“ And you didn’t die? ” 

“ As you see.” 

“ But — you — you —” 

“ I had a quart of whisky, and I drank it and counter¬ 
acted the poison. It wasn’t quite enough, however, and 
there are days now and then when I feel very queer.” 

“ What is the exact sensation? ” 

“ Very dry in my throat, and I always make bold to 
ask any gentleman near me if he carries a flask. If any 
of you gents happens to have such an article with you, I 
shall be ever so grateful. I think I feel the premonitory 
symptoms.” 

“ But we haven’t. We are all delegates to the tem¬ 
perance convention at Dubuque.” 

“ You are? Well, I took my chances and lost. That’s 
the last time I tell that lie unless I see the bulge of a flask 
in some one’s pocket before I begin. This is the third 
time to-day, and I haven’t got the first smell of anything 
but ice water.” 


THE HUSTLER 


61 



It was Considerable. 

Mr. Tsaacstein : Ah, sir, you rendered mine poy a good 
service, sir, in pulling him out of the vater, und I shall 
nefer forget it, sir, nefer. 

Life-Saver: Oh, well, that’s nothing. 

Mr. Isaacstein: Nothing, mine frent ? Did you know 
mine poy had on vun of mine twventy-fife dollar suits ? 


























































62 


THE HUSTLER 


Suspicious Submission. 

A small boy had been having a day of unmitigated 
outrageness, such as all children who do not die young 
are likely to have at times, and, when he was ready for 
bed his mother said to him: 

“ When you say your prayers, Georgie, ask God to 
make you a better boy. You have been very naughty 
to-day.” 

The youngster accordingly put up his petitions in the 
usual form, and then, before closing|with “Amen,” he 
added : 

“ And, please, God, make me a good boy.” 

He paused a second, and then, to the utter consterna¬ 
tion of his mother, concluded with unabated gravity; 
“ Nevertheless, not my will, O Lord, but thine, be 
done!” 


A Clear Head. 

“ Waiter, bring me a little plain sher — Hello, Hor¬ 
ace! Just in time. What will you have? ” 

“ No, thanks, dear boy. I never d-d-dwink during 
business hours.” 

“ A thimbleful of sherry won’t hurt you. What’s 
your business — buying real estate? ” 

“ No. P-p-papa just sent me over to the bank to 
get a check cashed, and I must have a c-c-clear head.” 


A man may justly pawn his watch 
When he’s almost a “ goner,” 
But save us from the hard-up man 

Who always ’pons his honor. 




THE HUSTLER 


63 


A WITTY ANSWER TURNETH AWAY BORES. 1 

The man who travels on the railroad and sits down by 
the side of lone females while laboring under the impression 
that he recognizes a likeness in their faces to his wife’s aunt’s 
cousin, met his match on one of the roads in his vicinity 
lately. He sat down in the half of a seat, the other half of 
which was occupied by a pleasant-faced young lady. His first 
question was: 

“ Pardon me, miss, but is your name James? I have a 
cousin of that name, whom you greatly resemble.” 

“ No, sir,” was the reply; “ my name is not James. But, 
pardon me, is your name Zinc or Copper? ” 

“ Zinc or Copper! No, ma’am,” said the astonished man. 

What led you to suppose I had such names? ” 

“ Excuse me,” was the quiet reply, “ but I thought you 
must be first cousin to a brass foundry.” 

The man fell over two seats and kicked a birdcage half 
way down the car in his haste to get into the smoker, while the 
young lady smiled a gentle smile behind her handkerchief. 
It was a proof of the old adage, that a witty answer turneth 
away bores. 


“ Short, but sweet,” as an old maid said when she kissed 
the dwarf who was on exhibition. 

“ Would you like to see the paper? ” asked a lymphatic- 
iooking gentleman at the hotel, after he had kept the sheet 
for nearly an hour. “ Would you like to see the paper? 
There’s nothing in it.” “ Seems to me,” replied Fogg, some¬ 
what illhumoredly, perhaps, “ you waste a good deal of time 
over nothing.” 




6 4 


THE HUSTLER 


HAD HIM AT HOME. 

In the village of C-, R. I., there lives a Canadian 

Frenchman, Jean LeBlanc, who supplies his neighbors with 
groceries and other necessaries. He always pays cash for his 
purchases, and is as honest as a Quaker. Some time ago he 

bought a bill of goods from a house in W-, through a 

drummer. On settling he found he was short, but said he 
would send the balance the next day. Time passed on, and no 

remittance came, and the house in W-had forgotten all 

about it, all but the drummer. He couldn’t understand it. 

About three months after, the proprietor of the house in W- 

was not a little astonished to see Jean at the desk inquiring 
anxiously if they had received the money. On being answered 
in the negative, he seemed almost paralyzed, and ejaculated : 

“ Not get it! Not get it! Tis very singlaire! I bought 
de postoffice ordaire myself and have him at home nozv /” 

Being told that if he would send it through the postoffice 
it would be all right, he left for home, the happiest French¬ 
man in the world. He had come all the way to W-to see 

about it. Thistledown. 


“ Is your father a Christian? ” said a gentleman to a little 
boy on one occasion. “ Yes, sir,” said the little boy ; “ but I 
believe he has not worked at it much lately.” 



Thomas Concert. 












JUST TO GIVE COLOR TO IT. 

Dog-fancier. —Well, Mum, have you come to buy another 
pup? 

Miss Plantagenet. —No, sir, not exactly. Mamma wished to 
know if you would exchange this dog for a black -and-white 
one. He is just as good as new and we are going into half- 
mourning - next week. Page 65 
































































THE HUSTLER 


66 


TWO OPINIONS. 

HIS’N. 

“ I would not be a girl,” said Jack, 

“ Because they have no fun ; 

They cannot go a-fishing, nor 
A-shooting with a gun ; 

They cannot climb up trees for fruit, 

Nor bathe without a bathing dress, 
Which is no fun at all. 

And when a girl becomes a woman, 
They still have lots of woeses, 

For if they love a man they’ve got 
To wait till he proposes.” 

HER’N. 

41 I would not be a boy,” said May, 

“ For boys are nasty things, 

With pockets filled with hooks and knives. 
And nails and tops and strings. 

And when a boy becomes a man, 

He’s got to buy girls rings ; 

And when upon a girl a youth 
Has squandered all his money, 

And she goes off with some one else, 
Perhaps he don’t feel funny! ” 


Of course women can keep a secret, but it takes a good 
many of them to do it. 

A soft answer may turn away wrath, but it is far safer to 
trust to the legs in case the other party is real mad. 

It is claimed by some medical men that smoking weakens 
the eyesight. Maybe it does, but just see how it strengthens 
th- breath. 



THE HUSTLER 


67 


u Will you hold my baby while I look out for my bag¬ 
gage? ” asked a woman of a railway employd in a Chicago 
depot, the other day. “ No,” said the man, “ but I will hold 
your baggage while you look out for your baby.” He held 
a baby for a woman once, and she never came bad/ for it, >nd 
that is what made him so careful. 



HE WANTED THE PLACE. 


Hungry Tramp. —By gosh ! “ Feeders Wanted ! ” That 
just suits me. Wonder what they ve got fer a feller to feed on. 

The Hustler, 5. 








































68 


H I«K IiUbl LLR 


REMARKABLE INDECISION. 



First Tramp. —It wuz dom kind, Jimmy, fer de lady ter 
give us dat half-dollar ter take a couple o’ baths wid. 

Second Tramp. —Yes; but it seems too bad ter waste de 
money on water, 

First Tramp. —Well, let’s toss up fer it. If she comes 
down heads we drink, an if she comes down tails we take de 
baths. See? 

(They toss.) 

Second Tramp. —She comes down tails. 

First Tramp .—Dom the luck anyhow! But say, that wuz 
no fair; the half struck agin a stone. 

Second Tramp. —Dat’s so. Toss her agin. 

(They toss her again.) 





































THE HUSTLER 


Firet Tramp. —Tails agin. We don’t seem to have no 
luck. Well, oncetmore, an’ dis time settles it. See. 

Second Tramp. —Wall, I’m chawed, ef it aint tails agin. 
We got ter take de baths sure. 

First Tramp. —Here! I’ll tell yer a scheme. Les’ go 
inter de saloon an’ tell der bar-keep’ we’re goin to take a bath, 
an’ bet him de drinks dat it don’t kill us. See? 

Second Tramp .—Then we git both. Great head you 
have! But—say; ’sposin’ it should kill us. 

First Tramp. —Ye’re right, Jimmy. We hadn’t better 
run no risks. 

(They don't run any risk.) 


CONCEALING HIS CONTEMPT. 


One day Thad Stevens was practicing in one of the 
Pennsylvania courts, and he didn’t like the ruling of the pre¬ 
siding judge. A second time the judge ruled against him, 
when the old man got up and commenced tying up his papers, 
as if to quit the court-room. 

“ Do I understand, Mr. Stevens,” asked the judge “ that 
you wish to show your contempt of this court? ” 

“ No, sir; no, sir,” replied old Thad. “ I don’t want to 
show my contempt ; I’m trying to conceal it.” 



Excuse haste and bad pen. 







70 


THE HUSTLED 



A LOVER OF IIIS FELLOW-MAN. 

Junius Brutus Booth, father of Edwin Booth, was at times 
the victim of strange fancies. Once hetook the fancy to be 
an absolute vegetarian, and while possessed of this idea he was 
traveling on a Western steamboat, and happened to be placed 
at table opposite a solemn Quaker who had been attracted 
by the eloquent conversation of the greatactor. The benevo¬ 
lent old Quaker observing the lack of viands on Booth’s plate, 
kindly said : 

“ Friend, shall I not help thee to the breast of this chicken ?” 

“ No, I thank you, friend,” replied the actor. 

“ Then shall I not cut thee a slice of the ham? 

“ No, friend—not any.” 

“ Then thee must take a piece of the mutton; thy plate is 
empty,” persisted the old Quaker. 

“ Friend,” said Booth, in those deep, stentorian tones 
whose volume and power had so often electrified crowded 
audiences, “ I never eat any flesh but human flesh, and I pre¬ 
fer that raw.” 

The old Quaker was speechless, and his seat was changed 
to another table at the next meal 


A double question — a conundrum. 










THE HUSTLER 


7i 


A Vassar college girl, upon being asked if she liked cod 
fish balls, said she never attended any. 

AAre you feeling very ill? ” asked the physician let me 
see your tongue, please.” “ It’s no use, doctor,” replied the 
poor patient ; “ no tongue can tell how bad I feel.” 

“ I suppose in the end you’ll be marrying some idiot of a 
fellow,” said a suitor who had been rejected. “ Excuse me,” 
she replied; “ if I meant to do that, I would accept your offer.” 
Silence. 




A Shocking Affair. 












7 2 


THE HUSTLER 



BLOCKED IN. 

The train had run into a snow drift, and the engine was 
butting its head in vain against a six-foot bank. 

“ For once the iron horse appears to be beaten,” remarked 
a fat woman in a second-class carriage. 

“ You shouldn’t call it an iron horse,” mildly reproved a 
solemn-faced man. 

“ Why not? ” asked the fat woman, in some surprise. 

“ Because it’s block tin,” softly murmured the solemn - 
faced man, as he gazed out of the window and across the 
wintry waste with a far-away look in his eye. 


A school-teacher asked : “ What bird is large enough 
to carry off a man?” Nobody knew, but one little girl 
suggested “ a lark.” And then she exclaimed: “ Mamma said 
papa wouldn’t be home until Monday, because he had gone off 
on a lark.” 






THE HUSTLER 


73 


“ Once upon a time a woman died ; and as the mourners 
were carrying her to the grave they tripped against a stump 
and let the coffin fall. She revived, having been only in a deep 
trance. Two years after she really died, and as they were 
carrying her down the same road and neared the same stump, 
the disconsolate widower sobbed: “Steady, boys; steady 
there. Be very, ve-ry careful! ” 



NATURAL SOLICITUDE. 


Mrs. Oppenheimer .—Isaac. 

Mr. Oppenheimer .—-Vot is id, Repecca. 

Mrs. Oppenheimer .— Dell der photographer to try to make 
&ese diamont ear-rings look like real. 


















































74 


THE HUSTLER 



Some oysters are born stale, some achieve staleness, and 
some have staleness thrust upon them. 

A clergyman, on his way to church one Sunday, was over¬ 
taken by a heavy shower of rain. On arriving at the vestry 
he exclaimed, rather impatiently: “ I wish I were dry! ” “ Never 
mind,” said his colleague, “ you will soon be in the pulpit, and 
there you will be dry enough.” 



A SOLECISM. 


Mrs. Liebenstein .—-Dot vos a wery rude young man, dot 
Ghristian vot you introduced me to, Mrs. Cohn. 

Mrs. Cohn. —Vy, vot did he say, Mrs. Liebenstein ? 

Mrs. Liebenstein .—I hadn’t talked mid him tree minutes 
ven he spoke about my dress und said id vas a “ Sheeny” sillc 
Mrs . Cohn. —Veeping Rachel! vot an impoliteness 1 













THE HUSTLER 


The way of the transgressor is hard — hard to find out. 



Countryman .—Darn me, I wonder where I kin find 
barber shop. 

















































76 


THE HUSTLER 


Very few people have any idea of the slowness the Austin 
street car is capable of. Recently a lady with, a two-year-old 
boy got in the car. She paid her own fare and asked what was 
the charge for the infant. “ No charge, madam. We only 
charge adults.” “ Then I might as well pay. He will be 
grown up before he gets there. I’m going five blocks. ” 

“ I’m bigger than you are,” conseqentially remarked 
Squibbs’boy to little Miltiades Marrowfat. “ I know it—a 
bigger fool,” returned the latter. The conversation was re¬ 
peated at both supper tables that night, and the next morning 
Mrs Marrowfat and Mrs. Squibbs were busy plugging up the 
knot-holes in the back-yard fence, to cut off all commuications 
between the families. 

HE WAS GOING THROUGH. 

Just before the noon train pulled out of the Central depot 
the other day, a man entered the depot in company with an old 
decrepit woman, who was being sent to St. Thomas, Ont. Leav¬ 
ing her for a moment, he boarded the train, passed slowly 
along until he came to the right man and asked: 

“ Are you going through?” 

“ Yes.” 

“ Are you alone?” 

“ Yes.” 

“ Would you have any objection to taking charge of a lady 
friend of mine?” 

“ Oh, none in the least.” 

“ Won’t it be any bother?” 

“ Oh, no, no! I shall esteem it a privilege.” 

“ Thank you; I shall be a thousand times obliged. She is 
very innocent and childish, and I am lucky to fall in with such 
a gentleman as you. I will bring her in.” 

He returned for the old woman and helped her aboard, 
and those who were there say that the man who was going 
through and would esteem it a privilege dropped off the rear- 
platform with his satchel as the train started. 


THE HUSTLER 



WILLING TO OBLIGE. 


Conductor. —Madam, these are the smokers’ seats. 

Fair Passenger. —Yes, but I haven’t anything to smoke. 







































78 


THE HUSTLER 


A barber is always ready to scrape an acquaintance, and 
often cuts him, too. 

The mother had cut her little daughter’s hair to make 
“ bangs.” Surveying her own work, she said: “ Bessie, yes¬ 
terday you looked as if you had no sense. To-day you look 
as if your mother had none. ” 

THOROUGH PREPARATION. 

There was a miner’s son, now ordained, a member of a 
large ministerial family, who, in his academic days, was as full 
of mischief as the proverbial minister’s son is supposed to be. 
He taxed the well-known elastic patience of the “ doctor,” as 
the head master was called, to the last degree.* Finally the 
doctor said to him, after a capital act of misconduct: 

“ You must prepare yourself for a severe thrashing. ” 

When the appointed time came, the doctor was ready, 
very much more affected, apparently, than the irrepressible 
mischief-maker. After a solemn discourse the doctor drew his 
rattan and laid it with considerable unction upon the boy’s back. 
Nothing but dust followed the blow. The subject of the dis¬ 
cipline was entirely at liis ease, and’evidently quite uncon¬ 
scious of the stroke. 

“ Take off your coat, sir!” was the next command, for the 
doctor was a little aroused. 

Again the rattan whistled around the boy’s shoulders, but 
with no more effect. 

“ Take off your waistcoat, sir ! ” shouted the doctor. 

Off went the waistcoat, but there was another under it.. 

“ Off with the other! ” 

And then, to the astonishment of the administrator of 
justice, he exposed a dry codfish, defending the back of the 
culprit like a shield, while below there was evidently stretching 
over other exposed portions of his body a stout leather apron. 

“ What does this mean?” said the doctor. 

“ Why,” said the rogue, in a particularly humble and per¬ 
suasive tone, “ you told me, doctor, to prepare myself for 
punishment, and I have done the best I could.” 


A POOR FIT. 

Mrs. Montague. —Why, Mary Ann, what is your reason 
for leaving us so suddenly? Don’t you like the place? 

Mary Ann. —Yis, Mum, the place is very well, an’ ye do 
yer best; but yer dresses is a miserable fit fer me, and so Oi 
jist med up me moind to lave this day. Page 79 






















So 


THE HUSTLER 


An old pokcr-player out in North Park rides a blind mule 
as a matter of choice. He says it is a pleasure to straddle the 
blind. 

A woman may offer in excuse for her red nose that she 
laces too tightly, and a man can offer the same excuse. He 
also gets too “ tightly ” by solacing himself. 



FROM THE SPIRIT WORLD. 


Visitor .—I would like to converse with the sptrit of Wil¬ 
liam Bilk. 

Medium .—He is in our midst, sir. What would you like 
to ask him ? 

Visitor .—Ask him if he doesn’t think it’s time he paid 
that laundry bill. 

























OLD FRIENDS. 


Small Child. —Why, Grandma, what are you crying about? 
Grandma (A member of the corps de ballet). —Don’t mind 
me, my dear; I have just recognized in that Egyptian mummy £ 
an old and very dear schoolmate of mine. Page 8/ 



















































82 


rHE HUSTLER 


A collector in this city has the following posted up in his 
office as his motto: “ Never put off until to-morrow what can 
be dunned to-day.” 

The proprietor of a Texas bar-room declined to attend 
church on the score that the preacher did not patronize him, 
and he did not see why he should patronize the preacher. 

CURING HIS TOOTHACHE. 

A big fellow, with a voice like a saw-mill in full blast, 
attended by a much smaller young man, recently entered a 
saloon and soon started a small riot by the big fellow refusing 
to pay for the drinks. The little fellow took the barkeeper 
aside and explained: 

“ You see, my big friend here is only giving you bluff. 
Me has got two or three of the worst teeth in his head you 
ever saw, and they’ve ached night and day for six weeks. The 
dentist won’t pull them short of two dollars, and that’s too 
much. My friend is therefore goingaround in hopes to get up 
a fight and have somebody hit him on the jaw and knock those 
teeth out, and save him the two dollars.” 

“ If I hit him on the jaw, he makes two dollars by the 
operation, does he? ” asked the barkeeper. 

“ Yes, and then he’ll demand damages of you, besides. 
That’s his game, you see.” 

“ Yes, I see,” slowly replied the barkeeper, “ but there’s 
nothing stingy about me. I’d as soon save him two dollars as 
not, and if I damage his jaw, I’m willing to pay what he asks. 
Look out, now — I’m going for him! ” 

The big fellow was knocked down in no time, and the little 
one didn’t stay to see any more. 

When the “ late deceased ” came to his senses, he was 
lying on his back in the slush of the gutter, and three or four 
bootblacks were asking him if his toothache was “ alle gone.” 

“ I am the tarantula of the West! ” began the big man, as 
he got up, but after feeling his jaw he started off, muttering: 
“ But I’ll save my breath ’till I git hold of the infant who put 
me up to this and then skipped! ” 



THE HUSTLER 


S3 


A full return — getting home drunk. 

That’s “ too thin,” as the dog remarked when he inserted 
a full set of teeth in the old man’s leg. 



Mr. Schweitzer preferring to the music). —Dot vas Meyebeer. 
Mr. Hooligan Preferring to the beverage before him). —Ye’re 
iiar. It’s my beer. 

The Hustler, 6. 






















8 4 


THE HUSTLER 


He read in a newspaper paragraph the statement that 
“ the child is father to the man,” and straightway went and 
asked his mother if that was true. “Yes, my son,” she an¬ 
swered; “ it may seem a little strange to you, but it’s true.” 
“Well, mamma,” responded the inquisitive youth, “why is 
it if I’m papa’s father, that he always licks me, and I never 
lick him?” 


A HORSE BOAT. 

Three Greenpoint ladies were recently on a visit to Nyack, 
on the Hudson River, and the oldest of the three, who had 
known the town a long time, remarked that the place had 
changed considerably in ten years. 

“ When we crossed the river then,” continued the lady, 
“ we went over in a horse boat, and now we have a steamboat. ” 

“ Yes, it must be a great change,” remarked the elder of 
the other two, when the youngest of the three, an innocent 
cherub of about twenty-five summers, inquired : 

“ What side of the river did the horse stand on when he 
pulled the boat across? ” 

After a very audible smile from her companions, she was 
informed that the horse went over in the boat every time it 
crossed the river. 



WHERE DID YOU GET IT? 







* ^ 

A SUBSTITUTE. 


Old Party .—You were expecting my grand-daughter to 
pose this morning ? 

Van Daub. —Yes, madam; she is serving as a model for 
my painting of “ Hebe.” 

Old Party. —Well, she isn’t feeling first rate this morning; 
so I came as a substitute. Page 85 



















































86 


THE HUSTLER 


The young man who “ turned over a new leaf,” worked 
in a furniture factory. 

“ You ought to be proud of your wife, McGimpsey,” said 
O’Reilly; “ she’s so evenly tempered.” 

“ Yes, always mad,” replied-McGregor, with a burst of 
wrath that lit on O’Reilly like a pile-driver. 

BEHIND HIS BACK. 

Grey, the popular porter of the sleeping-car “ Min¬ 
neapolis,” on the Milwaukee and St. Paul Railroad, recently 
received a new pair of kid gloves from a passenger as a present. 
As he showed them to me, I remarked : 

“ Well, Grey, your position must be quite enviable ; but 
I suppose you often receive presents which are not so welcome. ” 

“ I don’t know what you mean, Mr. D-” 

“ Well,’’said I, “when I was quite a boy,I remember that 
a larger boy presented me with the toe of his boot. ” 

“ Well, Mr. D-, you must remember that it is not 

often that one can prevent what is done behind his back! ” 

EASTPORT. 


Papa’s Baby Boy. 

















THE HUSTLER 


*7 

Miss Love and Abram Saul were married in Wisconsin 
last week, and thus “ Love conquers Saul.” 



SHF MUST HAVE BEEN FRIGHTENED. 


Mr. Jackson. —D-did dat explosion scare yo* very much, 
'Mrs. Jefferson? 

Mrt. Jefferson .—Scare me, chile! I should say so. I 
turned as pale as dat ar table cloth. 













































88 


THE HUSTLER 


“ Have I the pleasure of addressing' Dr. McGinnis?” said 
a member of the profession as McGinnis was strolling down 
town. 

“ Have you the pleasure! How do I know whether you 
have or not? ” was the chronic reply. 

“ I beg pardon, but are you not a doctor? ” 

“ No, sir.” 

“ Why, didn’t you sign a prescription in a local option 
town the other day when we were stopping at the same hotel, 
and get a bottle of whisky on it?” 

“ I did, but I want it distinctly understood I never repre¬ 
sented myself as a doctor. 1 was a little thirsty and merely 
signed it ‘John McGinnis, M. D.,’ which means ‘ mighty dry.’ 
If that’s all you want to know, good-morning. ” 

Moral — Never jump at conclusions. 

didn’t expect to go there. 

A politician, in writing a letter of condolence to the widow 
of an esteemed friend just departed, said: 

“ I am pained to hear that Mr, Gray has gone to heaven. 
We were bosom friends, but now we shall never meet again.” 

J. A. Samson. 

GEOGRAPHICAL. 

A scholar in one of Binghamton’s public schools who had 
“ been over the map of Asia,” was reviewed by his teacher, 
with the following result : 

“ What is geography? ” 

" A big book. ” 

“ What is the earth composed of? ” 

“ Mud.” 

“ No, land and water. 

“ Well, that makes mud, don’t it? ” 

“ What is the shape of the earth? ” 

/ “Flat.” 

“ You know better ; if I should dig a hole through the 
earth, where would I come out? ” 

“ Out of the hole.” 



A CASE OF CONSCIENCE. 

Armand. —-Come, fly with me, I implore you! 

Camille. —Never! sir; you insult me! I will resist you with 
all the strength of my woman’s nature. If you would tear me 
from this place, you must first drug me and render me uncon¬ 
scious. You will And a bottle of chloroform on the bureau over 
there. P a s e *9 































90 


THE HUSTLER 


“ I'm a very sick man,” observed the tramp, languidly, 
as he anchored himself at a restaurant table ; “ the doctor 
says I must have strengthening food. Give me something 
with plenty of iron in it. ” The waiter shaded the corners of 
his mouth with his hands, and then bellowed in stentorian 
tones: “ One keg of nails!” 

TIME TO RETIRE. 

A gentleman was endeavoring to enjoy the company of a 
young lady one evening, when her father, who had remained 
in the room longer than the young folks thought necessary, 
ventured the remark that he thought the hour for retiring 
had arrived. 

“ I think you are about right,” returned the unabashed 
young man. “ We have been waiting to have you retire for 
over an hour.” 

He left. J. A. Samson, 

it wouldn’t interfere. 

A bright youth, undergoing examination a few days 
since for admission to one of the departments, found himself 
confronted with the question: 

“ What is the distance from the earth to the sun? ” 

Not having the exact number of miles with him, he wrote 
in reply: 

“ I am unable to state accurately, but don’t believe the 
sun is near enough to interfere with a proper performance of 
my duties if I get this clerkship. ” 

He got it. 



Lost all trace of it. 




THE HUSTLER 


9 ! 

“ Do you reside in this city?” asked a masked man of a 
masked lady, at a masked party the other evening. He felt 
sick when she said to him, in alow voice; * Don’t be a fool, 
John; I knew you by the wart on your thumb.” It was his wife. 



HE DECLINED. 

“ Arrah! Oi’m not wid yez this toime. Sure Oi’vcbeen 
drinkin’ since Choosday an’ its toime to shtop. ” 












































92 


THE HUSTLER 



MIRTHFUL MORSELS. 

r A little girl, on seeing a telegraph for the first time, 
exclaimed : “ Oh, pa! see what a high clothes-line! ” 

“ You’re a nice sort of fellow, you are! ” said a counsel to 
a witness. “ I’d say the same of you, sir, only I’m on my 
oath,” was the reply. 

“Yes,” exclaimed Brown, “you always find me with a 
pen in my hand. I’m a regular penholder, my boy.” “ Let’s 
see,” said Fogg, musingly, “ a penholder is usually a stick, 
isn’t it? ” 

“ Take her,” said the fond father, putting his daughter’s 
hand in that of the bashful youth beside him ; “ take her, and 
try to be happy. I shall miss her when she’s gone, but I can’t 

over it; she’s too tremendously like her mother. ” 




“IT IS ENOUGH; TWILL SERVE.” 

Miss Beaumonde .—Have you any remnants of silk ribbon? 
Clerk .—Yes, Miss; I believe we have a few. 

Miss Beaumonde.—?\zttQ show me some. I want one 
small enough to make a bathing suit. Page 93 









































































94 


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There is something a little “ off” in the piety of the man 
who never gets to church until the contribution-box has gone 
its empty rounds. 

“ Tobaccy wanst saved my life,” said Paddy Blake, an 
inveterate smoker. “ How was that?” inquired his companion. 
“ Oh, ye see, I was diggin’ a well, and came up for a good 
smoke, and while I was up the well caved in.” 

“ Now,” said the teacher of a primary class to one of his 
pupils, to whom he was trying to impart knowledge of divis¬ 
ion, but with little success. “ If you had a pie, and I should 
ask you for a quarter of it, and you should give me what I 
wanted, how much would you have left?” “ I wouldn’t have 
any left! ” quickly responded the little girl. 

WHAT HE KNEW. 

A miller who attempted to be witty at the expense of 
a youth of weak intellect accosted him with: 

“ John, people say that you are a fool.” 

I don’t know that I am, sir,” John replied. “ I know 
some things, sir, and some things I don’t know, sir.” 

“ Well, John, what do you know? ” 

“ I know that millers have fat hogs, sir, and Idon’t know 
whose corn they eat, sir.” Eastport. 




One more kiss before we part. 




[THE HUSTLER 


95 



PRECAUTION. 

Mr. Chadband.—My poor fellow, the day has dawned 
when you are to perish on the scaffold. Have you any re¬ 
quests to make? 

Culprit. —Yes; I wish you’d send fora doctor. This cold 
of mine seems to be getting worse, and it may run into some¬ 
thing serious. 


























































g6 


THE HUSTLER 


Railways are aristocratic. They teach every man to know 
his own station, and to stop there. 

A Yankee editor, observing that “ The census embraces 
seventeen million women,” asks, “ Who wouldn’t be a census?” 

The difference between honor and discretion is that honor 
tells you not to hit a man when he’s down, and discretion 
warns you to be careful about hitting him when he isn’t down. 

In her advertisement, the lady principal of a school 
mentioned her lady-assistant and the “ reputation for teaching 
which she bears,” but the printer left out the “ which,” so the 
advertisement went forth commending the lady’s “ reputation 
for teaching she bears. ” 

HE CLEANED OUT SALOONS. 

“ Well, Blunderbus Bill,” said the judge, “ what have you 
to say why you should not be declared a vagrant? If you can 
show me where you have toiled during the last ten years I 
will let you off.” 

The prisoner’s face clouded for a moment, but like a flash 
of lightning it brightened up, and he said: 

“ I used to clean out saloons over in Bodie and Virginia 
City.” 

“ Who employed you? ” 

“ No one. I did it because I liked the work. ” 

“ What did you clean them with — a broom?” 

“ No.” 

“ A scrubbing-brush? ” 

“ No.”- 

“ Well, what did you use, then? ” 

“ Sometimes a six-shooter, and now and then a Dowie- 
knife, and once I remember using a shotgun.” 

“ Twenty-four hours with a breech-loading mop and a 
double-barreled spittoon,” laconically remarked his Honor, 
and the Mountain Whirlwind was led below to swell the ranks 
of the “ Cuspidor Brigade.” 


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97 



TURTLE SOUP.. MOCK-TURTLE SOUP. 

























































































































































































08 


THE HUSTLER 


A big head is no more an evidence of brains than a papet 
collar is of a shirt. 

A girl out West says that as soon as she is able to sup¬ 
port a family she is going to get married. 

Some one says watch a woman’s lip if you want to know 
whether she is offended or her feelings are hurt. History and 
human experience, and careful observation, all prove that it is 
much safer to watch her right hand, and sec whether it reaches 
for the mop handle or not. 

They busted up. She sighfully gathered up a bushel and 
a peck of letters, dropped tears on a withered rose, a pressed 
bouquet of forget-me-nots, a dried bunch of pansies, and a 
rose geranium leaf, as she laid them carefully with the letters, 
and next added a mammoth valentine, a volume of Byron’s 
poems, a candy heart, several empty perfume bottles, and a 
pair of ear-drops, and sent them back, with the brief, expres¬ 
sive words, “ Please do likewise.” He sent her two letters, a 
meerschaum, and a pair of worn-out slippers, saying that was 
all he could find. 



The girl he left behind him. 











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99 


The first thing a man takes to in his life is his milk the 
last is his bier. 



REGARD FOR APPEARANCES. 


Mrs. Liebenstein. —Isaac! Oh, Isaac! Tell him to bring 
der bottle of beer in von o’ dem fancy vine coolers, Der Xsen- 
heimer’svos sitting der next table mit. 

The Hustler, 7. 























IOO 


THE HUSTLER 


A gambler’s paradise — a pair-o^dice. 

The. most unselfish person yet heard from is the girl who, 
on returning home after a year’s visit, thought she had great 
cause to be thankful Her sweethearts were all married and 
doing well. 

A lady asked a gentleman what she should do to kill the 
bugs on her cucumber vines. He told her to put coal oil on 
them. She did so, and afterward reproached him for the ruina¬ 
tion of her pickle crop. “ Well, didn’t it kill the bugs? ” he 
asked. “I didn’t insure the vines.” 

TURNED HIM OUT. 

His father was at the station when he stepped from the 
. train. 

“ Why, Thomas, what are you home for? It isn’t vacation 
now, is it? ” said the old man. 

“ No,” replied Tom, looking around for his trunk. 

“ Well, I thought you were not coming home again until 
the end of the term? ” 

“ Changed my mind,” was the laconic response of the 
young hopeful. 

“ When are you going back? ” 

“ Ain’t going back.” 

“ Not going back! Why, ’pon my soul! what’s that for?” 

“ Don’t like it there,” said Thomas, looking in the direction 
of the river. 

“ I always thought that was a very good school,” said his 
father. 

“ I don’t like it.” 

“ Well, well, ’pon my soul, Tom, I have heard that spoken 
of as one of the best schools in the country. ” 

“ I’m not going back, just the same,” said Tom, stepping 
from one foot to the other. 

“Tom,” said the old man, earnestly, “that school has 
turned out some of the smartest men of this State.” 

“ Yes, I know that —they turned me out.” 



OLD ASSOCIATIONS 





















































































































102 


THE HUSTLER 



MORSELS. 

BY SUE GREGORY. 

A damsel said to her “ feller,” who “ lowed it was most 
time to be a-goin’,” “ Well, you can go now and come again, 
or stay the rest of the night and not come any more. ” He 
went. 

Jones struck ile. Consequently, it became his duty to 
spread it on some. So he told his wife to imperil herself in 
her best wardrobe, and they’d leander down to the autograph 
gallery, and have their positives set for. 

A superintendent was reviewing the school in the lesson 
of the pharisee and the publican. In conclusion he said : 

“ Now, then, whose prayers does God hear?” 

A little chap promptly exclaimed : 

“ Republicans! ” 






THE HUSTLER 


I03 


The latest is to serenade the newly wedded pair with tin 

rattles. 

The fellow who, on hearing of an old sweetheart’s mar¬ 
riage, sent her the chromo, “ No one to love me,” for a wed¬ 
ding present, has since sent them the song, “Oh, let me kiss 
the baby. ” 

Smith and Jones were always together. A lady, seeing 
Smith alone, asked where his twin brother, Jones, was. Smith 
affected to feel insulted by being called twin brother to Jones, 
and demanded ana pology. The lady said she would readily 
make it, but for her life she couldn’t decide whether she owed 
the apology to Smith or Jones. 

A young lady sent to a Yankee music dealer, who had 
been paying her some attentions, to know the price of “ Little 
German Home.” He replied: “Little Dutch homes can be 
had for a quarter of a dollar apiece ; little Yankee homes come 
higher.” 



“Waiter!” “Yes, sah.” “There’s a little chicken in this boiled egg you 
brought me.” Waiter eyes the egg curiously to satisfy himself, and then answer* 
assuringly: “ Dat’s all rite, bossj don’t s’pose de ole man’ll mek enny extra change 
for de fowell. ” 



104 


THE HUSTLER 


A young physician was out in company with a young 
lady afflicted with a cough. It was dark, and as he was leaving 
her he gave her what he supposed to be a peppermint, telling 
her to let it dissolve in her mouth. The next time she saw 
himshe wickedly handed back the button, saying it wouldn’t 
dissolve. 

AN IMPORTANT OMISSION. 

A woman who carried around milk in Paris said a naive 
thing the other day. One of the cooks to whom she brought 
.-ilk looked into the can and remarked with surprise: 

“ Why, there is actually nothing there but water! ” 

The woman having satisfied herself of the truth of the 
statement, said: 

“ Well, if I didn’t forget to put in the milk* ” 


HOW HE FELT. 

About twenty-eight years ago there lived in our neighbor¬ 
hood quite a good man. He was a class teacher of the Meth¬ 
odist church, and was called Brother O. My grandmother 
was also a member, and it was customary for Brother O. to call 
on Sister Tolla to pray, and that caused many to come to hear 
her. At one of the meetings an Irishman was sitting in front 
of me. We boys called him Luke. Brother O. was walking 
around to see if he could get any one to come forward. At 
last he spied Luke, and said to him: 

“ My brother, have you made your peace with God?’' 

“ By me soul, I did not know that we were at variance 
with one another! ” said Luke. 

“ You don’t understand what I mean,” said Brother O. 

“ In what state is your soul this morning? ” 

“ Why, in the State of Kentucky, in the county of Kent,” 
replied Luke. 

My brother, you don’t understand me yet. Plow do 
you feel? ” 

“ Feel, did you say? By the powers, I feel with my 
fingers! ” and then all hands and grandmother said, “ Amen.” 

We Bo To 























































































































TIIE HUSTLER 


/o6 



Bracelets. 


WATCHES. 

Watches as time-keepers are rated a fust klass success. 
Watches very wonderful in make and shape, and in regard to 
keeping time, nary two are just alike. Sum run fast and sum 
run slow, but if a pheller is hungry any ov ’em will tell him 
when to go to dinner. I never know’d a pheller that had a 
watch but what she wuz a good watch. 

Watches differ in size as well as material. Sum are made 
ov gold, sum ov brass, sum ov pinchbeck, and sum ov wood. 
My gran’pap, old Peet Maginnis, had one wonst; it was made 
of wood. She wuz twelve fut high by eight fut in circum¬ 
ference, and weighed nine hundred and fifty-six pounds. The 
old man didn’t carry her. She wuz sometimes called a clock. 

I had a mity fine Jurman silver watch wonst. She wuz 
kalled a cylinder ’scapement. She wuz as hansum as a dazy, 
and ’scaped all O. K.; but when I couldn’t see the sun I never 
could tell what time ov day it wuz. 

Then I had anuther; it avuz made out ov brass. She wuz 
a delicate flower, and had a glass fur a back, and glass fur a 
face, and wuz as full ov wheels as Judus Iscarriat wuz ov 



THE HUSTLER 


107 


deceit. As a timekeeper it wusn’t worth a kuss, but she 
afforded more amusement fur the yung uns than anything ever 
invented. 

I had anuther that beat all the watches for utility that I 
ever saw It wuz made out ov oreide, casteel bound and 
copper-lined, and weighed three pounds and four ounces, You 
could kn^ck the horns oft’n a cow or break the ribs ov a dog 
every throw at a range ov thurty yards. She cost me seven 
dollars when she wuz new. She could out-run a quarter-hoss, 
and, besides being a kerect timer, she regulated the moon, 
sun, and stars, and very frequently told the price of cheese in 
Canada. BILL MAGINNIS, 


HE WANTED THEM COOKED. 

“ The other day as Pat was standing in his door he was 
approached by a huckster of vegetables, who asked him if he 
wanted to buy a bushel of fine potatoes. 

“ Well,” said Pat, “ are they cooked? ” 

“ No ; who do you think would sell cooked potatoes? *' 
the huckster asked. 

“ Well,” said Pat, “who do you think would eat raw 
potatoes? ” 



Amateur Photographer’s Dream. 














io8 


'TIIE HUSTLER 


A Chicago man visiting Cincinnati was being shown 
around by a citizen, who said: “ Now, let’s go and see the 
Widows’ Home.” The Chicago man put his finger by the 
side of his nose and winked, and then said: “ Not much, 
Mary Ann. I saw a widow home once, and it cost me $16,000. 
She sued me for breach of promise, and proved iton me No, 
sir; send the widows home in a hack.” 

SHE TOOK NO RISKS. 

“ Have ye any gud piannies?” she asked, as she stepped 
into a piano room. “ I want wan fur me darter, who is cornin’ 
home from the semetary wid a finished edication.” 

“ What style of instrument do you prefer?” said the clerk. 

“ Och! never a happorth do I care about the shtoile, so 
long as it’s a strong case. Have ye any wid iron cases?” 

“ No, ma’am; but all our cases are made extra strong.” 

“ How much will you take for that piannie? ” 

“ Four hundred dollars, ma’am.” 

" Do you sell on the slow-pay plan?” 

“ Yes, occasionally we sell to reliable purchasers on the 
installment plan.” 

“ Will ye throw in a cover and sthule? ” 

“ Hardly fair to ask it, ma’am ; but we’ll throw in those 
articles this time. ” 

“ An’ a buk o’ music? ” 

“ Yes; we won’t be mean about it.” 

“ Now, if ye’ll insure the piannie, I’ll take it.” 

“ Well, really ma’am, the purchaser usually insures the 
instrument; but to close the bargain, we’ll insure this piano 
andtake all risks. ” 

“ Ye see, betwane me an’ you,” she said, after she had 
made her mark on the necessary papers and deposited the first 
installment receipt in her bosom,” I’m glad to feel aisy about 
the insurance, as I want to get the better of me ole man, who 
tuk an oath that if I brought a piannie into the house, he’d 
smash it up wid an ax. An’ faith he’s the bit to do it the nixt 
toime he geU' d'.irunk.” 





TOUCHING DEVOTION. 

Estelle —And are you going to leave me So soon, Augustus? 
Augustus— My love, I would willingly give ten years of 
my life if I could stay longer. But if I don’t go, I shall be 
fined for being late at a card party._- Pag* I0 9 












































i 10 


THE HUSTLER 



A mule is an obstinate creature. 


’Twas down beside the green canal, 
One red-hot summer’s day, 

I sat upon a cork-wood stick 
And whiffed two cents away; 
And as the stifling smoke arose 
Like snow-clouds in the air, 

I put on all the style I could 
And smoked my first cigar. 

I watched the ashes as they fell. 
Like snow-flakes on the ground ; 
And then I looked around to find 
Some place to lay me down. 

I hung me up upon a stick, 

My heels flew in the air; 

I was not drunk, but, oh, so sick l 
It was my first cigar. 





THE HUSTLER 


in 


An ah-sliun-it —a temperance man. 

Let the Monday washing and a yearling calf spend the 
night in the same back-yard, and that part of the washing 
left outside of the calf will bein good shape to feed the goat on. 

HIS PEAR TRICK. 

“ How many pears have I got on my plate, pa?” asked 
one of our smart boys the other evening at supper. 

“ Two, my son,” answered the fond parent, surveying the 
mellow fruit. 

“ No, sir; I’ve got four, and I can prove it,” triumph¬ 
antly remarked the juvenile. 

“ How do you make that out?” queried the perplexed 
father. 

“ Well, sir, haven’t I got tw^o pears? and doesn’t two pairs 
make four?” grinned the urchin. 

“ All right, my son. You’ve got too many,” said the old 
man, getting up, and reaching over. “ Here mother, you take 
one, and I’ll take one, and Johnmay have the two that are 
left on his plate;” and John thought his little joke did not ap- 
pear so funny after all. 



A sharp pulL 








112 


THE HUSTLER 


What is the difference between the preacher, the builder, 
and the architect of a church? One is the rector, the other the 
erecter, and the other the director. 

A BLIND FLIRTATION. 

Several men were making purchases at a store, when a 
man who had been looking out of the window for some time 
turned and said: 

" Well, that’s a bad case ! ” 

“ What is it?” inquired two or three at once. 

“ Well, I don’t know who is the husband of this woman 
out here in the wagon; but if I were he, I’d go across the street 
and smash that fellow’s head. ” 

“ Why?” 

“ Why? Because he has been working like a beaver for 
the last half-hour to get up a flirtation with her.” 

At this one of the men began to chuckle. Then the 
chuckle ran into a laugh, and finally he had to sit down. 

“ What’s the matter with you?” was asked. 

“ Why, I’m that woman’s husband.” 

“ Are you? And you are laughing over the flirtation!” 

I — I can’t help it,” he said, as he went off into another 
fit. “ Just think of him a-flirting and a-strutting up and down 
and a-doing the purty, when the old womau out there has been 
stone-blind for seven years. Ha, ha, ha!” 


A YOUNG BRIDE. 

A widow gave her age to the American census-man as 
twenty-five. In the course of conversation she afterward in¬ 
formed him that her husband haddied during the war. 

Poor thing!” he remarked; “ how young to be left a 
widow. ” 

“ Yes, indeed!” she sighed. 

“ Only eight!” he continued, sweetly. 

The widow suddenly wheeled around and grabbed the 
broomstick, and that census-man streaked it down the street 
quicker than lightning. 



THE HUSTLER 


1*3 



An agricultural exchange offers some advice on “ How 
to Tell a Bad Egg.” Didn’t read the article, but our advice 
would be : If you have anything important to tell a bad egg, 
why break it gently. 

A good motto for a young man just starting a mustache- 
down in front. 



Childhood’s Happy Days. 








THE HUSTLER 


14 


Flattery is like Cologne water — to be smelled of, not 
swallowed 

“I’ve often heard men say,” said an old lady, “that 
they’d been struck with an idea, but I never could see where 
it hit ’em. ” 

A sailor is not a sailor when he is a-board ; a sailor is 
not a sailor when he is a-shore ; but he must be either ashore 
or aboard; therefore a sailor is not a sailor. 

It’s all very well to talk about economy, but the difficulty 
is to get anything to economize. The little baby who put his 
toes in his mouth is almost the only person who in these hard 
times manages to make both ends meet. 

A young* man has sent us a very touching poem entitled: 
“ Will you learn to love me when I’m gone ? ” We can’t 
promise that, but we’ll bet you a gold mine that you’ll learn to 
hate us if you ever come around here with another poem like 
that. 



Where is that bell-pull? 
















































REGARDLESS OF EXPENSE 


Mr. Parvenu (to dealer in tombstones).—-Yes, sir, 1 want the very finest kind of 
a stone you've got. I don’t mean to put no slouch of a stone over Mrs. Parvenu. 
Now, that there one seems to have all the trimmings. I’ll jest take that. 

Dealer.— But that was made for another party, and it has the name “ Jones” on it. 
Mr. P.~ Oh, that don’t make no difference- Mrs. Parvenu couldn’t read. Page nj 
The Hustler, 8- 





























































i6 


THE HUSTLER 


It is asserted that the housefly transmits disease by car¬ 
rying germs from place to place. A careful housewife will do 
well when she sees a fly with a germ in his hand, to drive him 
over the garden wall into the house of her neighbor. 

It was a little sister this time. Usually it’s a little brother 
that gives them away when the beaux come. The child seemed 
possessed of a few extra imps whenever Oscar called. So big 
sister bought little sister off with a penny, the agreement being 
that L. S. should keep out of the way and not try to listen when 
B. S. and O. were talking. He came, and matters were fast 
approaching a crisis, when they were interrupted by L. S.’s 
pushing the penny through the keyhole, saying: “ Here’s yur 
cent. I couldn’t help hearin’ him kiss you —it popped so . ” 

A NOVEL IN A NUTSHELL. 

“ And we’ll be married in the fall, my sweet? ” 

“ Yes, Oscar, in the rich, hazy, sensuous days of Indian 
summer, when the low note of the farmer’s boy, seeking the 
lost cow, is heard, as he sits on the vine-embowered stile and 
blasphemes until the firefly leaves for a cooler spot. You 
must take all my money, Oscar; it must be yours to do as you 
will with it. Surely, you have an ambition? ” 

“ I have, ” said Oscar, kissing her while she held her breath. 
“ And will you let any false pride stand in the way of 
using my money to attain the height you fain would reach? ” 
“ No, darling, I will not. You say you have $100,000 
in four per cents. It is enough. To-morrow I will act, and 
in less than a day my name will be as familiar throughout the 
world as that of England’s proud queen.” 

*“ Oh, Oscar, what will you do? ” 

“ I shall purchase Maud S.” 

*****#*#### 

Two minutes later a human form fell with a dull thud on 
the front porch of the haughty pork-packer’s residence. It 
was Oscar Harris. The old man had fired him out. 



Miss Mimosa .—I didn’t see you at the performance of “The Blonde Brigand” 
last night. 

De Jones. — I was there, hut I only staid through the first act. 

Miss Mimosa. — Why, didn’t you like the play? The scenery was good. 

DeJ. —I daresay it was. Yon*- W filler! thestage while I was in the theatre. Page 117 



































































THE HUSTLER 


118 



Pleasures of summer vacations. 


A Michigan woman has gone to England to bring back 300 
servant-girls. Which will last her, according to the general 
run, just about eleven days. 

Said the teacher : “ ‘ And it came to pass, when King 
Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes.’ Now, what does 
that mean, children — ‘he rent his clothes?’” And the boy 
with a big brother said it was “ letting a fellow have the use of 
’em for a few dollars, as brother Dave did with his ulster last 
spring, and wishes now he hadn’t. ” 

A railroad brakeman attempted suicide in New York a 
few days since. In an unguarded moment he called out the 
name of a station so distinctly that nearly two-thirds of the 
passengers understood it, and when the full enormity of the 
unprofessional act dawned upon him, remorse, like a worm in 
the bud, fastened its lacerating fingers upon his conscience, and 
tortured him until life became a burden. Other brakemen 
will no doubt heed well the lesson, and in future use the utmost 
caution in making their weird announcements, 










THE HUSTLER 


119 


Why do they file marriage intentions ? Sometimes to 
make them fit a salary of $6 a week. 

“ Tommy,” said a mother to her seven-year-old boy/' you 
must not interrupt me when I am talking with ladies. You 
must wait till we stop, and then you can talk.” “ But you 
never stop,” retorted the boy. 

Bright little girl: “ The robbers can’t steal my mamma’s 
diamond earrings/cause papa’s hidden them. ” Visitor/' Where 
has he hidden them?” Little girl: “ Why I heard him say he 
had put them up the spout, and he expected they would stay 
there ! ” 



NO APOLOGIES. 


Irishman. —Begorrah, yez needn’t shtand there bowin’ 
and scrapin’. Yez done it a purpose an’ yez know ye did. 


120 


THE HUSTLER 


“ Oh, for a thousand tongues ! ” as the boy said when he 
fell into the molasses barrel. 

THE MAN WITH THE UMBRELLA. 

Why it is that the public do not look kindly upon a man 
carrying an umbrella on a hot day is a mystery to be solved, 
but the fact is they do not. One day last summer, when an 
eminent and dignified citizen was coming back from his din¬ 
ner, with an umbrella over his head, he was accosted with : 

“ Been raining down your way? ” 

“ No, sir. ” 

“ Going to? ” 

“ No, sir. ” 

“ Then you carry the umbrella to keep the flies off? ” 

“ Yes, sir. ” 

“ Well, that’s a good plan, and all soft men ought to prac¬ 
tice it.” 

The next man had a grin on his face as he called out : 

“ What’s that for? ” 

“ To keep the sun off.” 

“ What do you want to keep the sun oft* for? ” 

“ Might get sun-struck. ” 

“ Suppose you did? ” 

“ Suppose you mind your own business, sir! ” 

The next one presumed upon his long friendship to halt 
the man with the umbrella and whisper : 

“ Pretty sharp in you, old fellow—keep the bulge toward 
your creditors and they can’t see you ! ” 

Other men told him that wearing a poultice on the head 
would dispense with that umbrella ; and others said that if he 
was afraid of his ears being tanned he should fasten a fan on 
each side of his hat. Not one single man took him by the 
hand and encouraged him, and when he reached the postoffice 
he was so discouraged that he lowered his shade and used it to 
punch the ribs of a boy who had begun to sing : 

“ He’s a flat—he’s a feller, 

And he lugs an old umbrella.” 


THE HUSTLER 


121 




The Glib Railroad Brakeman. 

On leaving Gotham, down the aisle 
I saw him come with scornful smile; 

Flowed from his lips these words compressed: 

“ Thiscar’sforallpointsNorthandWest!” 

He, later, once more loomed in view— 

Twas understood by one or two— 

This jumping jumble, this fanfare: 

“ Troytwentyminutesbreakfasthere!” 

In time, again he through the door 
Burst in, and dashed by—as before— 

With one of his chain-lightning calls 
Of: “ BufriochangeforN’ag’raFalls!” 

Next when we’d crossed Ohio’s plain— 

And Indiana’s—and the train 

Jarred, swayed and stopped, he deigned to state 

“ Ourengine’stelescopedafreight!” 

And when at last my trip was done— 

Reached was the land of setting sun, 

With Babel sound he gave this shout: 

“ Chicagopassengersallout!” 


He Knew When to Leave. 

“ Now, Jamie, you mustn’t stay at the Jewett’s until you 
wear you welcome out,” said a fond mother. 

“ I know when to come home,” replied the youth. “ You 
don’t catch me staying after they begin to talk slow. ” 


/ 



THE HUSTLER 


122 



He Feared the Result. 


“ Is this oleomargine?” asked a city guest at a country 
hotel table. 

“ No, sir: we don’t keep nothin’of that sort here.” 

“ You don’t mean to say this is pure butter?” 

“ Yes, sir; every bit of it.” 

I say, said the guest, alarmed, “ do you know what’s 
good antidote for butter-poisoning?” 

A Promise. 

Mother —Now, Charles, I wish you could overcome your 
boisterosity. Promise me that, when your uncle and aunt 
come to-day, you will try and subdue yourself. 

Son — You’re just shouting, I will. 






























THE HUSTLER 


m 



Mrs. Gripper —Good-by. Shall we see you at Sorosis 
to-night? 

Mrs. Whipper —I hardly think so. Mr. Whipper’s club has 
just failed, and until he joins another, we are going to improve 
the opportunity to get acquainted with each other. 


The Limit. 

She —Well, my dear, we ought to get the children some¬ 
thing nice for Christmas this year. 

He —Yes, I suppose that’s so, and yet money isn’t very 
plentiful. 

She —Well, I must know how much-I am to have for this 
purpose. What is the limit? 

He —(absently)—Four dollars is as high as I generally play. 






























124 the hustler 



The Newport Standard of To-day. 


Mrs. Cut-Loose —Don’t look around, mamma. It’s that 
ordinary Mr. Freezer. He hasn’t been divorced for two 
seasons, you know, and still expects to remain in our set. 










THE HUSTLER 


125 


Waldemar, the Waiter ; or, The Fatal Chestnut. 

A HIGH-PRESSURE ROMANCE OF LIFE IN NEW YORK. 

“ Will the memory of the hated past never leave me?” 

This conundrum was propounded by Gideon De Browne, 
the eminent banker, expressly for this work, and has been 
copyrighted according to law. 

“ Is there no surcease from sorrow?” resumed Mr. 
De Browne, inquiringly. He did not know what surcease 
meant, but he felt as if one would do him good. 

His soliloquy was interrupted by the sound of a footstep 
in the hallway. In another moment the door was flung open, 
and a tall young man, wearing a shabby overcoat and a 
dilapidated hat, entered the banker’s library. 

“ Who are you? ” demanded Mr. De Browne. 

The new-comer flung off his coat and hat, and stood before 
the old man attired in a dress-suit of faultless cut. 

“ Do you know me now? ” he asked. 

“ I do,” was the reply. You are a waiter at the St. 
Christopher Hotel, and your name is Waldemar. ” 

“ Right the first time,” returned the youth, pleasantly. 
“ And now learn the object of my visit. I am here to ask the 
hand of your daughter in marriage.” 

“ My daughter the wife of a waiter! ” gasped the banker; 
“ she who numbers among her suitors an iceman, two plumb¬ 
ers, and a real baronet! Never! ” 

“ Your decision is irrevocable?” inquired Waldemar, care¬ 
lessly. 

“ With a big I,” replied Mr. De Browne. 

Without another word the young man left the room. 

“ Scarcely had Waldemar taken his departure when another 
entered the library — a stout, elderly man with a heavy 
mustache and a cynical smile. 

“ ’Tis years since last we met,” he remarked, “ and perhaps 
you have forgotten me. Let me recall our last meeting to 
your memory. ’Twas on the 4th of January, 1870, that-” 

“ I know you now,” wailed the banker. “ You are Van¬ 
dyke Maginnis. What do you want with me, man? Are 
you here to torture me with references to the past? ” 



126 


THE HUSTLER 


“ No,” replied the visitor, “ I am here to worry five hundred 
dollars out of you. Hand over, old man.” 

“ And if I refuse? ” 

Maginnis drew a folded paper from his pocket. 

“ Here,” he said, “ is the manuscript in your own hand¬ 
writing, which you that day confided to my care. Give me 
the money, or to-morrow all the world shall know that Gideon 
De Browne is a-” 

“ Enough, enough! ” moaned the banker. “ You shall have 
what you ask. ” 

He hurriedly wrote a check for the amount required. 
Maginnis pocketed it, and with a sardonic laugh vanished. 

“ Who will save me from this wretch?” cried the banker, 
despairingly. “ This will not be the last of his extortions.” 

“ I will!” exclaimed a voice, and Waldemar stood before him. 
“ I inadvertently overheard all,” he continued, “ and I will 
recover that paper for you on one condition—that you give me 
your daughter. No daughter, no paper.” 

“ But how can you do this?” demanded the old man. 

“ I will find a way,” said Waldemar. “ Maginnis boards at 
the St. Christopher, and I wait upon him.” 

“ Enough!” said Mr. De Browne. “ I agree to your terms.” 

A month has passed. 

It is a clear, beautiful December morning. The breakfast- 
room at the St. Christopher is filled with guests. There is but 
one vacant table. Beside it stands Waldemar, his face irradi¬ 
ated with an almost unearthly light. 

“ Courage, courage!” he murmurs. “ The end is at hand.” 

Vandyke Maginnis staggers feebly into the room, and sinks 
into the vacant chair. His face has grown pale and haggard, 
his eyes are deeply sunken in then* sockets. 

“ Broiled chicken, Lyonnaise potatoes, Graham rolls and a 
cup of coffee,” he says, with an appealing look, as he hands 
Waldemar a dollar. 

The waiter departs. In about an hour he returns, saying: 

“ Graham rolls and coffee and potatoes are all out, but here’s 
your chicken.” And he stands, and, with a haughty smile, 
watches the unhappy man’s struggles with the alleged fowl. 



THE HUSTLER 


127 


Suddenly Maginnis ceases his efforts from very weakness. 

“ Waldemar,” he exclaims, “ do you not know that I am starving? For a month 
you have not given me enough to keep a fly alive. Tips avail me nothing. Have you 
no pity? Will you see me die? ” 

“ Had you any pity on Gideon De Browne? ” said the waiter, sternly. “ Give me 
the paper that lies concealed in your pocket.” 

“ And you will feed me well hereafter? ” 

“ You shall have all the luxuries of the season, and more.” 

Without another word Maginnis handed his companion the paper. Waldemar 
unrolled it, and a cry of horror burst from his pallid lips. 

********** 

Waldemar has long been the son-in-law of Gideon De Browne. The old banker 
still lives. He is a light-hearted man now, for the fatal paper has been destroyed — 
the MS. penned in an hour of weakness, his first and only poem on spring. 



New Police Regulations. 


Citizen — W—what have you got there, Mr. Officer ? 
Policeman — Yer see we’ve been ordered not to maim any 
more civilians. Got to kill ’em outright now to keep der peace. 





















128 


THE HUSTLER 



HOIST WITH THEIR OWN PETARD. 

I. Don’t leggo his head ’till I say ready, Snakey. 

Pointers. 


Some men never pay anything but their respects. 

Epitaph on a Bad Cook: “ Out of the frying-pan into the 
fi re. ” 

A man who was cured by porous plasters says he can easily 
see through his cure. 

A newspaper headline reads: “His Crowning Crime.” 
hero dyed his hair, likely. 


The 




THE HUSTLER 


129 



HOIST WITH THEIR OWN PETARD. 


II. NOW ! ! ! 


A Wonderful Mind. 

Boston Young Woman (just returning from the cooking 
school) — Emily, dear, see that man mixing mortar. 

New York Young Woman — Yes, horrid stuff, isn’t. 

Bosto?i Young Woman —~I wonder, dear, if he has to taste of 
it to see when it is ready to serve. 


Mark Twain doesn’t like to be told he is getting old. That’s 
where he is different from the rest of us. 













i 3 o 


THE HUSTLER 



Tough—Very, 

Quimbles, on one of these first summer days, which seem 
so warm until one gets into the still bitter cold water, has 
taken a bath with his cousin and her mother. 

Voice from Jus bathing house —Sit down on the rocks a little 
while, Cousin Jack. The door’s broken on our stall and mamma 
and I are in here. It won’t take us more than half an hour to 
dress. 


A St. Louis man estimates that a Pullman sleeper nets the 
company $7,250 a year. Judging from this it must net the 
porter a cool $10,000. 





























THE HUSTLER 


131 



Cheated Out of His Game. 


Codglcy (is very fond of tennis, but has an instinctive dread of 
dogs)—I’m awfully sorry to spoil the set, Miss Duyckinck, 
but I am suddenly indisposed. 

Miss Duyckinck —Come in and sit down awhile. There’s a 
comfortable seat by the iron dog. 


A Valid Reason. 

First Clergyman — Do you mean to say that you are going to 
abjure your belief in the doctrine of future punishment? 

Second Clergyman — Well — er — you see my wife is buying 
a sewing machine on the installment plan, and — don’t you think 
I get enough here? 

The Hustler, 9. 







1 3 2 


TIIE HUSTLER 



Delicately Put. 

Patron (to artist who breathes heavily) —Excuse me — have 
you been eating garlic? 

Artist — No. 

Patron — Well, before you go any farther, won’t you run out 
and get a little. I’ll pay for it. 

Pointers. 

“ John Bright has written another free trade pamphlet. Jones. ” 

“ Yes, Smith; free trade is Bright’s disease.” 

Jay Gould has spent $2,000 for a pew in a church. He will 
now proceed to take good care of the soul of the Western 
Union corporation. 
















THE HUSTLER 


*33 



He Didn’t Catch the Word. 


Mutual Friend (to traveling Yankee)—I want to introduce 
you to Count Allegro Pianti Conossetti, of the old regime. 

Traveling Yankee —Glad to meet you, Count. I haven’t 
got any razors to hone at present, but if you’ll give me your 
card I’ll remember you. 

Symbolic. 

He treasured dear the single leaf 
She was so kind to send, 

And vowed he would not part with it 
Until his days should end. 

But when he looked at it his heart 
For horror almost stopped — 

That leaf was but a symbol mute, 

Significant of “ dropped.” 

“ Jones, is Snooper much of a conversationalist ? ” 

“ Much of a conversationalist, Smith ! I should say he is. 
Why, he is a life insurance agent.” 








*34 


THE HUSTLER 



Making Ready. 


Customer (who has inquired for beer-glasses, picking up a 
piece of crockery) —What’s this size worth ? 

Dealer —Those are egg-cups, not beer-glasses, sir. 

Customer —That’s all right. I’m going to open a saloon 
at Coney Island. 

After the Punishment. 

Mrs. Biddle — Poor child ! I’m sorry he had to be whipped. 
He is so sensitive that the lightest punishment affects him 
deeply, 

Mr. Biddle — I meant it should. 

Mrs. Biddle —But the poor boy’s feelings are hurt. 

Willie (desperately, between his sobs) — ’Tain’t my feel 
at all. 




THE HUSTLER *35 



He Wasn’t Drafted. 

Regimental Surgeon —You’ve got . a bad cold ^nd a fever, 
sir. Have you been in a draught ? 

Patient —No. I was darned fool enough to enlist on my 
own free will. 

He Got a Cold Reception. 

Higgins— For goodness’ sake, Wiggins, where did you get 
that cough? 

Wiggins — Went to see my uncle too early in April. 

Not Up to the Standard. 

Customer —My wife says your goods aren’t quite up to the 
standard, and haven’t been for two months. 

Tea Store Proprietor —I don’t see how that can be ; I buy 
all my tea at the same place. 

Customer — Who said anything about tea ; 1 m talking about 
chromos now. 













136 THE HUSTLER' 



Forehanded. 


Mrs. Kortious —You are surely not going to take your 
umbrella this bright morning, Henry ? 

Mr. Kortious —I hardly like the bother, but IVe got to go 
through Chicago and don’t want to get wet with the tears that 
the citizens are shedding over the Sunday closing movement. 


Wanted to Skip the First Month. 

A gentleman was looking at some pleasant rooms, but the 
noise from the street was deafening. 

“ It would be impossible to sleep here,” said he to the land¬ 
lady.” 

“ Oh ! ” answered the landlady, indifferently, “our lodgers 
never notice it after a month.” 

" Well ! then I’ll come back — after a month.” 







THE HUSTLER 


*37 



Crushed. 


Editor (having glanced at the contributor’s joke)— Where’s 
the other? 

Contributor —Other? There isn’t any other. 

Editor —Um! I thought Noah took two of every kind into 
the ark. 

It was Accepted. 

The editor of a literary magazine lately received the follow¬ 
ing touching note, together with a poem of one hundred and 
forty-eight line stanzas on “ Intemperance”:^ 

“ DEAR Sir —The merit of this poem is in the fact that it 
was written entirely with my toes, as I was born without hands. 
A statement of this fact would no doubt make the piece more 
valuable to your readers. I can furnish references to the facts 
as stated above. The Author. 






















i 3 » 


THE HUSTLER 



Familiar Phrase. —Stamping done while you wait. 

Temporary Relief. 

Bagley —I understand you and Miss Robinson have come to 
an understanding in that breach of promise case. 

Bailey —Yes. . 

Bagley —What did you pay her ? 

Bailey —Pay her ! Do you think Pm going to throw away 
five thousand dollars ? No, sir ; sooner than do that I offered 
her my hand again. That’ll stave off matters for five years 

more. - 

Betrayed Himself. 

Bertie —Pa, is that new Mr. Hanks an ice-dealer? 

Pa — Yes, Bertie; how did you know? 

Bertie — I didn’t know, only I thought he was, for when the 
minister prayed for hot weather yesterday he said “ Amen ” 
awfully loud. 

















THE HUSTLER 


139 



De Kay, who wears an artificial arm in place of one left at 
Gettysburg, falls asleep on a Third Avenue car. 

Conductor —Oi’ve seen phlain dhrunks, an’ foncy dhrunks, 
an’ did dhrunks, but dombed av Oi iver seen a anisthitic 
dhrunk befoor! 


In the Wild West. 

On an Eastern railroad: 

First Passenger —Ah, yes, life in the West is, after all, the 
only life. There you are free and unfettered, and can do as 
you like. 

Second Passenger —I’ve traveled in the West myself, and I 
don’t like it—the people are too barbarous. 

First Passenger —Excuse me, stranger, but how far West 
have you been? 

Second Passenger —Syracuse. 








140 


THE HUSTLER 



The Uses of Adversity. 

Little Claude has been told that Uncle Ezra is afflicted with a 
glass eye, and forgets that he has been told to say nothing 
about it. 

“ Will you let me take your eye a little while, Uncle Ez? 
My other marble rolled down the register.” 


Where They Went. 

Jinks — You believe St. Patrick drove the snakes from 
Ireland? 

Mike — Yis, sor. 

Jinks —Now, just look at it a moment. Where could he 
have driven them to? 

Mike —Bedad, it’s meself that bees thinkin’ he drove thim 
into the whuskey. 









THE HUSTLER 


141 



Awful Danger. 

Mrs . Blampton — Stop the steamer, stop it ! 

Policeman — Madam, you will throw yourself off the dock ! 
What’s the matter ? 

Mrs . Blampton — Matter ? Matter enough. Mrs. Roman is 
sailing to Paris; she has forgotten her Pompadour Cream Balm; 
she may meet Mrs. James Brown Potter, and it means social 
ostracism ! 


He Couldn’t Make Out. 

Mamma —- Now, Bertie, I want you to tell me the truth, and 
not go around Robin Hood’s barn. 

Bertie _I ain’t been around Mr. Hood’s barn. It was Mr. 

James’. How did you know? 






Retiring for the Night at the Hotel De Barn. 


“ Say, Lionel, come out of the tapestry hangin’s long enough 
the back of my pajama, will yer?” 


to tuck a little more o’ this rufflin’ in 

Page 142 






































































































































































THE HUSTLER 


143 


Revival in Pompoonik. 

After a sermon on “ Moses in the Wilderness” at a revival 
meeting in Pompoonik, the pastor leaned over the pulpit and 
said: “ De meetin’ am now open fer prayer an’ remarks. 
Who’s de fus’ man?” 

Deacon Peter Henry De Freest arose, cleared his throat, 
and pulled out the wrinkles in his vest. “ Set down, Brudder 
De Freest,” said the voice in the pulpit. “ set down. You’m 
back mos’ foil’ dollars on yo’ pew-rent. Set down, an’ let 
some udder brudder give his expe’runce.” 

Christopher Jackson then arose. “ Brudder Jackson,” con¬ 
tinued the voice, “ I heerd las’ Saturday night down to de 
grocery dat yo’ ben a-beatin’ yo’ wife wif a hoe. De Lawd am 
deef to de implications of de wife-beater. Yo’ better set down 
too. Naixt.” 

Then Dewitt Schermerhorn got up rather shyly, rolled his 
eyes, removed a quid of tobacco from his mouth, and said in 
a sepulchral whisper, “ Let us pray. ” Another groan from the 
pulpit. “ Brudder Schermerhorn, de tongue ob scandal ’lows 
dat yo’ had a bottle in yo’ pocket at de las’ Conference. You 
cawn’t feel comfortable in dat posish wif dem cold fac’s starin 
you in de face. Who’s de naixt man?” 

After a moment’s silence Harry Shoemaker got up in one 
of the rear seats. “ Brudder Shoemaker,” said the pastor, 
with an ominous shake of the head, “ hit won’t do. De neigh¬ 
bors say dat las’t Saturday night yo’ was skulkin’ lorng de 
banks of de creek wif a fish-pole.” 

“ I gib de fish to a poor woman,” interrupted Brother Shoe¬ 
maker, in an injured tone. 

“ Nebber min’. Yo’ bruk de fif’ commandment. Yo’ better 
go set lorng side ob de res’. We’ll now sing a hymn an’ take 
up anudder collection. De speerit ain’t a-movin’ much in dese 
parts. An*, from de way things look heah to-night, I guess I’ll ^ 
hab ter do all de prayin’ myself.” 

“ Take care,” yelled a Harlem man, as his wife was chasing 
him around the room. And she did; she took two or three 
handful-s of hair when she caught up with him. 



*44 


THE HUSTLER 



Unexpected. 


Passenger —Do you chew tobacco, driver? 

Driver —I do, an’ I chew me own! 

Passenger —That’s all right. I was just going to offer you 

some of mine. - 

Too Short. 

Society Girl — Johnnie, where’s your fish pole ? 

Small Brother — Up in the attic. What do you want of it ? 
Society Girl —I dropped my opera-glasses into my hat when 
I got home from the matinee, and they’re caught there. 

Small Brother — How far up ? 

Society Girl —Near the top. 

Small Brother — No use gettin’ the pole, then. Taint long 
enough to reach ’em. 


















THE HUSTLER 


145 


Couldn’t Have Been His Wife. 

“ Has my wife been here? ” asked a nervous man of a clerk 
in a Harlem dry-goods store. 

“ Tall woman? ” 

“ Yes.” 

“ Red hair? ” 

“ Yes.” 

“ Cross-eyed? ” 

“ Yes. ” 

Bonnet on sideways? ” 

“ Yes. ” 

“ Bought ten yards of silk dress-goods and paid cash for it?” 
“ Did that woman do this?” 

“ Yes.” 

“ Well, I don’t think it could be Maria,” and out he went. 


A Libel. 

Stranger —Are you the editor of the Bugle? 

Editor —Yes, sir. 

Stranger —Well, my name is Dingley, and if you don’t 
retract what you said about my domestic affairs I’ll sue you for 
libel. 

Editor —But, my dear sir, the Bugle only contradicted the 
reports started by that venomous sheet across the way. You 
have evidently made a mistake. We said that you were living 
in peace and harmony with your wife. There’s no libel about 
that, is there?” 

Strajiger —Yes, sir; there is. It implies that I haven’t a 
spark of courage or manhood about me. And when I bring 
my wife into court, the jury will see it in just that light too. 


Her Faith in Him. 

De Garmo —What does your sister say about me, Bertie? 
Bertie —She said to-day that she didn’t think you’d ever set 
the river on fire. 

De Garmo —What confidence she has in me ! Of course 
she knows I’m too honorable to do anything of that kind. 




THE HUSTLER 





A Want of Application. 

That porous phlaster thot yez sold me for me ouid man was 
nigh killin’ him. He couldn’t get the teeth av him t’roo it at 
all till I fried it, an’ thin it wa’n’t much tinderer, an* he’s far 
from well in shpite av it. 






























THE HUSTLER 


147 


A Summer Boarder in Danger. 

We have received the following communication, which 
explains itself: 

MISTER Ed —I take my pen in hand to rite a few lines in 
ancer to a letter writ by a man who horded to my house this 
summer, end who went off and writ a pack of lies about me 
and my old woman, and the fokes round, here generally. He 
thinks he’s mighty dog-goned smart, but I reckon this will 
kind of take the shine off’n him when he reads it, and will let 
him know that other fokes kin do a little ritin’ well as he kin. 

He said the soshel advantages of Skunk Holler, where I live, 
was “somewhat limited,” which is a derned lie. The serciety 
here is chice, and he knows it. The folks here tuk him rite in 
and made him their ekal, never thinkin’ he’d go off and lie on 
’em. He was invited to two butcherin’s and a barn raisin’, 
and an apple parin’ and a wool pickin’, and then he goes off 
and says there ain’t no serciety here. He don’t say nothin’ 
’bout us havin’ a melojeeum at our house, an’ us all singin’ to 
him of nights. He don’t let on that I kin play the fiddle an’ 
my dorter, Mary Jane, the akordeon with the set of’em. 

No, but he up and makes out as if we was pore, ignrant 
things without no raisin’. 

He even gives our table a fling by sayin’ that “ the bill of 
fare at the rural boarding houses is abundant, but not varied.” 
He knows that ain’t so. He knows we had pork and fried 
taters reg’lar on Mondays, an’ sody biskits on Tuesdays, an’ 
then changed off to pork agin Wednesday. Here he comes 
and stuffs hisself on our cabbidge, an’ milk that ain’t skimmed 
but once, an’corn dodgers, an’fried liver, an’Arbuckle’s coffee, 
and then goes off and makes out like as if he didn’t git enuff 
to eat. 

He had the best of everything here. We didn’t put out 
hired man to sleep with him but once, and he had the free 
run of the place, with the privilege of eatin’ all the raw turnips 
and wind-fallen apples he could hold. And how did he act in 
return? He up and gets huffy one day ’cause my old woman 
smoked his old meershom pipe when her corncob was missin’, 

The Hustler. 10. 


148 


THE HUSTLER 


and he threatened to leave ’cause my son Bill wore dne of his 
coats and his boots to a ball. That was his gratitood. 

Then he tries to make out as if the scenery didn’t mount to 
much. The ejeet! There’s more seenery to the square inch 
here nor he ever clapt his eyes on before, and I know it. He 
don’t know what seenery is when he sees it. 

Now if there’s anything more interestin’ an’ teachin’ than 
rooral animals I ain’t never seen ’em. Take little imphant pigs 
for instants. How cunnin’ they air as they gamble on the 
green, or disport theirselves in the maternall waller. And 
that man’s winder was .right over our hog waller, and we had 
little imphant pigs on hand all the time. 

But he hadn’t no soul nor eye for rooral critters. Ma had 
an odt hen settin’ on geese eggs under his bed, and when he 
found it out, he histed the gentle hen out, when she’d come 
off in two days more with goslings that’d been so tame that 
like enuff they’d gone to roost under his bed all summer, and 
he could have made pets of him. But no; he had her nest 
broke up, and driv her off. Wouldn’t even let our ole dog 
Bowse sleep on the foot of his bed. 

I ain’t time to write out half I might tell on that man. But 
if ever he comes round here agin for summer bord I’ll bord 
him with a.club. I’ll learn him whether we ain’t no edgucation 
nor refinement or not. I’ll give him seenery of a kind he ain’t 
on the hunt of. I’ll show him the rooral way of sassin’ back. 
He better lay lo. Azrael Jinks. 


Nothing Unusual. 

Mrs. Patrician (to new girl)—I suppose, Bridget, you over¬ 
heard my husband and I conversing rather earnestly this 
morning? 

Bridget —Indade, I did that, mum. 

Mrs. P .—I hope you did not consider that anything unusual 
was going on? 

Bridget —Niver a bit, mum. I wanst had a husband meself, 
mum, an’ niver a day passed that the neighbors didn’t belave 
one or the other uv us would be kilt entoirly. 



THE HUSTLER 


*49 


Disastrous Consequences of the Interstate Commerce Bill. 

A high-spirited legislator who preferred walking home to 
the indignity of being obliged to pay his fare, was accosted by 
a tramp, who said: 

“ Behold the Jeffersonian equality to which the Interstate 
Commerce Bill has brought us. Let us walk home together, 
my brother. Have you any tobacco about you ? 

This was too Jeffersonian for the legislator, who took the 
train at the next station. 



Not in Favor of That Plan. 

Prison Warden — There’s an insurrection among the men, 
sir. 

Superintende7it — Well, give ’em one of our square meals 
and see if it won’t do some good. 

Prison Warden — All right, sir, but I don’t think much of 
trying to starve them into submission. 



THE HUSTLER 


*5° 

A Childhood Memory. 

“ Now you children must all be real nice and good while 
mamma is down town, and when she comes home she’ll bring 
you something real nice. Now will you be ever and ever so 
good?” 

“ Yes, ma’am,” came promptly and sweetly from five pairs of 
juvenile lips, whose five owners are wildly eager for mamma to 
disappear, so that the being real sweet and good process may 
begin, with circus-like preliminaries. 

Three hours later dear mamma returns, and is met at the 
door by a horde of dirt-begrimed and altogether disreputable 
looking lot of youngsters. 

The interior of the house has the appearance of having been 
cyclone struck. Mamma begins an investigation. 

“ I thought you children were going to be so good. And 
my good land of rest, just look at this house! If this is what 
you call being good I hope to mercy you’ll never be bad. 
Who upset that sewing-machine ? ” 

“ Tommy,” yells a chorus of four. 

“ Aw! I never,' shrieks Tommy. 

“ You did! you did! you did!" 

“ Never, never, never! ’Taint so!” 

“ There, there! ” cries mamma, with her fingers in her ears. 
“ Who broke that chair back ? ” 

“ Willy.” 

“ I never touched it,” shrieks Willy. 

“ Who knocked the parlor table over ?” 

“ Hattie.” 

“ I never went a-nigh it,” says Hattie, promptly. 

“ Oh, no,” says dear mamma, derisively; “ none of you did 
it, you didn’t do anything, you never do. These chairs upset 
themselves, to be sure. The broom, and the tongs, and the 
coal hod, and the dish-pan, and the rolling-pin, and my Sunday 
bonnet, and the fire-shovel, and your pa’s silk hat, and this 
stick of stove wood, and the family Bible, and the umbrella, 
and a hundred other things, collected themselves in this parlor 
and sitting-room, didn’t they ? You were only playing circus, 
eh? And only having a little picnic dinner, eh? What else 


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151 

were you ‘only’ doing? I’m ‘only’ going .to trounce the last 
one of you, that’s all I’m going to do; but I’ll do it well. And 
I’ll do it now.” 

And so she does, and in a manner that subdues and saddens 
those youngsters even as we have been saddened and subdued 
in the halcyon days of our youth. 



Back-Action Entertainment. 

Young Clammy (with a tremendous idea of his conversational powers)—My 
mother will be down in a few moments, Miss Keene. Cawn’t I entertain you until 

she comes? , . . . 

Miss Keene —How good of you, Mr. Clammy. Will you be kind enough to watch 
my coachman out of the window and see that he keeps his cape buttoned up tightly? 
The poor fellow is so delicate, you know. 





























152 


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The Church Choir. 

No, children, this is Not a Circus. It Looks like one, does it 
not ? But it is a Church. Who are those four people Up in 
that little gal-ler-y ? Why, they are the Choir. What are 
they Making such a Noise for ? They are singing, of Course. 
You cannot un-der-stand a Word, can you ? Neither can I. 
I wish that we had a li-bret-to, do not you ? For all we Know' 
they may be in-dul-ging in Fa-ce-ti-ous comments upon our 
Per-son-al ap-pear-ance. Now the So-pra-no is getting in her 
Fine work. See the bald-headed man in the Front pew smil¬ 
ing at her. He im-ag-ines that he is at a Comic Opera 
per-form-ance. Now all four of the singers are at it, and the 
Or-gan-ist is sitting on the Safety-valve of the in-stru-ment 
and has thrown out all the. sand bags. How is that for music, 
children ? Ah, now they have fin-ish-ed ! If we were to climb 
over the screen Would we see them all lis-ten-ing at-ten-tive-ly 
to the Sermon ? No, we would see the So-pra-no flirting with 
the tenor, and the bass and alto reading, and the or-gan-ist 
asleep. 

A Fortunate Accident. 

The sound of breaking glass was heard through the dining¬ 
room. 

“ What is it, Joseph ? Have you broken another goblet ? ” 

“ Yes, but I was real fortunate this time ; it only broke in 
two pieces.” 

“ You call that being ‘fortunate/ do you ? ” 

“ Yes ; madame can’t imagine what a bother it is to pick 
them up when a glass breaks into a thousand pieces.” 

They opened a new street in Philadelphia the other day, and 
as they have denuded the vocabulary, they decided to call it 
“ Self-interlocking-nut Street.” 

A Boston girl lost her nose some time ago by a railroad 
accident and has received $5,000 damages. She didn’t object 
so much to the loss of its natural functions, but her eye-glasses 
would no longer fit. 





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Drawing Trade. 


Mr. Ottendorfer -— Mofe dot Efergreens ofer a leedle, Adele! 
Beople vill dink dis vos Cendral Bark, unt fint demsellufs in de 
Summer Garten before dat dey knows it, eh? 

A Light Matter. 

Merchant —Have we received the last month’s gas bills? 
Clerk — Yes, sir. 

Merchant — Well, what is the total charge of the light 
brigade? 


Taking a Negative. 

Stranger (entering a photograph gallery in great haste) — 
Say, do you take negatives here? 

Photographer — Yes; do you want to sit? 

Stranger — No. 



































*54 


THE HUSTLER 


Two Accidents; op, Which was Switch, 

HE. 

He was on a railway flyer, dressed in elegant attire; for h< /a\ 
to see Maria at the Fogg’s delightful ball. 

And he sat and mused an hour at the strange and wondrous 
power of Miss Jane Maria Gower over suitors one and all. 

But his hopes were dashed, for the train was wrecked, and 
tumbled into a ditch; 

He couldn’t get to the ball that night on account of a misplaced 
switch. 

SHE. 

In a sort of perfumed bower stood Miss Jane Maria Gower. She 
had yet an even hour to prepare her toilet rare. 

But she was in awful hurry, and her maid was in a flurry, and 
the dashing belle of Murray Hill just then missed her back 
hair. 

Then a search was made, but it did no good. This daughter 
of the rich 

Was obliged to stay at home that night, on account of a mis¬ 
placed switch. 


Generous Childhood. 

Cousin Ned —Now, Edgardo, if you will give me a kiss, I’ll 
show you my watch. 

Edgardo (who is blase) — Huh! that’s nothing new. Give 
the kiss to mamma; she don’t get as many as I do. 


The Infant Class Again. 

School Teacher —Johnny, what is the second letter of the 
alphabet? 

Johnny —Don’t know. 

School Teacher-'-NJhdX flies about the garden? 

Johnny —When ? 

School Teacher —In the summer. 

Johnny —Oh, I know—mother after the hens. 




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155 



Foreman of Pressroom — Ink’s all out, sir, and I ain’t printed 
but two hundred copies. 

Editor —Have you cleaned all the soot out of the lamp 
chimneys and stove, and used that? 

Foreman — Yes, sir. 

Editor — Well, then boil down last week’s returned copies 
and squeeze the ink out of them. This paper is bound to get 
on. 

Fashion Notes. 


Caps for climax purpose are sold in great numbers. 
Cuffs for the ears are going out of favor with the young. 
Babies’ teeth continue to be cut as formerly. 


Pluck. 










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What He Would See. 

“ This,” said the proud Bostonian, acting as guide to a visitor 
from the far West, “ this is our grand old Common, made hal¬ 
lowed soil by the feet of Washington and the heroes of the 
Revolution.” 

“ Humph,” said the stranger. “ And this,” with a wave of 
the hand, “ is the famous old State House, dear as his heart’s 
blood to every true-hearted American. ” 

“ Yaas, I reckon.” 

“ And here is the Old South Church — sacred edifice! Does 
it not thrill your very heart’s core to stand within the shadow 
of its time-honored walls?” 

“ Yaas, I b’leeve it does,” says the stranger, vaguely. 

“ And yonder is Trinity Church, the crowning triumph of 
modern architectural skill; the most magnificent temple of its 
kind in America. ” 

“ Well, I declare.” 

“ And just beyond is the Art Museum, in which it is a lib¬ 
eral education to spend a day; you will want to spend all the 
time you can among its priceless works of beauty and art.” 

“ Yes; I’ll try to drop in ’fore I go out of town.” 

“ And whither shall we go next? To the historic and sacred 
ground of Bunker Hill, to famous old Harvard, or to Mount 
Auburn’s hallowed shades? ” 

The visitor glances at his watch and says: 

“ Well, I ain’t got much more time to look ’round, and 
there’s one place I want to unkiver my head in ’fore I leave old 
Bosting. I’ve allotted more on that than on anything else in 
coming here.” 

“ I shall be glad to guide you to the spot. Is it famous old 
Faneuil Hall, or-” 

“ No; it’s to that monnyment of American grit and muscle, 
John L. Sullivan’s saloon.” 

The Bostonian was carried away in a dead faint. 

“ You have no idea,” said the landlord, “ how much it costs 
to run this hotel.” “ Oh, yes, I have,” said Whitegoods, “ I 
paid my bill this morning.” 



THE HUSTLER 


*57 


Had NevenSeen One. 

Subscriber — I owe you how much, Mr. Quill? 

Country Editor — Two dollars, just — one year’s subscription 
to the Bugle and fifty auction bills. 

Subscriber —Please give me a receipt in full. 

Country Editor — A receipt in full? How’s that done? 



Tommy — Is it wrong for little boys to smoke, papa ? 

Papa — Very. It takes away all their appetite among other 
things. 

Tommy — Guess I’ll have to take to it, papa. That jar of 
tamarinds that mamma told me not to touch is tempting me 
altogether too much. 












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The Business He Was In. 

A countryman and his wife were in town the other day for 
the first time, and they were wandering around looking in the 
show windows and having a good time. Finally they came to 
a bank, and wondering what kind of a business it was that had 
no signs or display of any kind, the man stepped in to inquire. 
There was no one in at the time but a very nobby young clerk —- 
who was also very smart—and as the rustic gazed around a* 
everything, the clerk tackled him for some sport. 

“ Very fine place we have here, sir,” he said. “ Can we do 
anything for you to-day ? ” 

“ Well, durn me,” said the visitor, ignoring the question; 
“ this beats ’em all. What kind uv a dog-gone business do 
you do here, anyhow ? What do you sell ? ” 

“ Oh, we do a great business. We sell mules.” 

“ No, you don’t say ? Well, durn me.” He stepped to the 
door and called his wife. “ Sal, come here an’ look.” She 
came in and he led her around. “ Jist think uv it, Sal. Ain’t 
it purty ? An’ Sal they sell mules here. That’s ther business. 
Trade’s good too, Sal. Jistlook at him,” he continued, jerking 
his thumb toward the clerk ; “ he’s the only one they’ve got 
left, an’ I reckon they wouldn’t have him, ef the collar he’s 
been workin’ in hadn’t skinned his neck an’ shoulders.” 

As they passed out, the man remarked softly to his wife : 
“ We maybe from the head warters, Sal, but that’s no sign we 
don’t know mules.” 


He Didn’t Complain. 

Jinks —Don’t you object to your wife wearing such a> 
enormously high hat, Binks ? 

Binks —No, not at all. I complained of it once, and she 
said she would take of an inch for every drink I refused. 

Jinks —No wonder you don’t complain any more. 

Why She Didn’t Want That Kind. 

Husband —Going to get a hat to-day, dear? What will it 
be — a high one ? 

Wife — No, dear, I shan’t go to the theatre much this winter, 





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Comparative Zoology. 


Voice (from outside)—Grandpa! 

Ethelbert —S-h, he’s asleep, and Vm having an elegant time 
with him. Fve found four monkeys that he looks like in my 
natural history book, and I’m waiting for him to move a little 
and look like this gorilla. 


Reckless. 

They were visiting Boston for the first time, although they 
had lived all their lives within fifty miles of its limits. He had, 
in an unguarded moment, given full rein to a streak of gen¬ 
erosity bordering on reckless extravagance. In his calmer 
moments it made his blood run cold to recall how^he and 
“ maw ” had “ made the money fly down tew Bosting. 

Hardly had they left the train when he said: 

“ Now, maw, le’s injoy ourselves. Now, yew jess ^buy any¬ 
thing yer a mind ter. See anything ye’d like to eat?” 















i6o 


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“ Yes, paw; I’ve alius thought I’d like to taste one o’ them 
bananers.” 

“ All right , maw; a bananer it is. Here’s some. Jest hand 
over a bananer, will ye, mister? One o’ them specked ones 
will do, I reckon. How much? Two cents? Purty steep, but 
maw wanted it, an’ she hed to Jiev it. See anything else you’d 
like, maw?” 

" I do’no but I would like a little mite o’ pepp’mint candy, 
bein’s as I ain’t had any for ’bout nineteen years—not sence we 
was married, paw.” 

“ No? All right. Here’s a three-cent shiner, an’ we’ll lay 
it all out in pepp’mints. Blamed if I ain’t a mind to buy an 
orange, too. Whacher say, maw?” 

“ I would like it, paw. I do’no as I ’member how oranges 
do taste. ” 

“ An orange it is; an’ we’ll take the peelin’ home to the chil¬ 
dren. We said we’d bring ’em something. Anything else you 
want, maw? Don’t be afeered to speak right out. Blamed if 
I care if I do spend a little money a-pleasurin’. ’ 

“ You s’pose we could afford a ride on the horse keers, paw? 
I’ve alius lotted on doin’ it if I got a chance.” 

“ I reckon we kin. They say you kin ride five miles fer five 
cents, an’ we’ll jest go ’em a dime’s worth. We kin walk back, 
an’ see more. Say , maw, whacher say to an ocean ride?” 

“ Oh, paw!” 

“ I’m in dead earnest.” 

“ Oh, paw; kin we afford it?” 

“ That’s what we kin. I’ve brung seventy-five cents to 
spend, and blamed if I keer if it all goes, though I did cal’late 
a leetle on gittin’ a box o’ matches an’ some terbacker, an’ a 
few other leetle things with what was left of it. But you say 
the word, and off we go, over the salty deep.” 

“ I’d like it, paw.” 

“ That settles it. Come right along. Two tickets fer 
Chelsea ferry’ll cost only four cents, and blamed if I don’t buy 
’em and make the trip. It’ll be something to brag on back 
home. Hooray! who cares fer ixpinses? Off we go fer a 


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161 


ocean tower crost Chelsea ferry. Blamed if I ain’t a notion to 
ouy some crackers an’ cheese to eat on the trip.” 

“ Oh, paw!” 

“Blamed if I don't!” I don’t do things by halves. All 
you’ve got to do is to sing out, an’ if I don’t have three cents 
worth *o bolony sassingers, too, my name ain’t Zed Simpson. ” 



No Steam and Plenty of Wind on the Top Flat. 


Policeman (6 A. M.)—Hi, there! What are you about? 
Citizen —What am I about? Man alive, my home is in the 
sixteenth story of the Heaven Apartment House over there. 
I’ve come down here to get warm. 

Pertinent. 

He —I see that Oscar Wilde has reiterated that America will 
never take her place among the nations until she can show 
some ruins. 

She— I wonder if Oscar ever heard of the Grant Monument 

fund? 








162 


THE HUSTLER 


No Chances Lost. 

Small Boy — Pop, what’s that queer building for? 

Wise Father —That is the publication office of a newspaper. - 

Small Boy — A boy’s paper? 

Wise Father •—No, it’s a political organ. 

Small Boy — What’s all that black smoke coming out of the 
chimney for? 

Wise Father —I suppose that is a bid for the colored vote. 

Flaunting Hen Wealth. 

Miss Pride — Humph! That Miss Tiptop needn’t boast that 
her family has a French cook. Anybody might know that. 

Mrs. Pride — They might? 

Miss Pride — Easily enough. There is always an onion odor 
about her. 


Why It Failed. 

Political Boss —See here, didn’t I tell you to run this paper 
so I’d get plenty of votes? 

Hired Editor —I have never lost a chance to appeal to the 
prejudices of your constituents. 

Political Boss — Then how does it happen that my political 
strength is no greater than it was before? 

Hired Editor — The people you depend on can’t read. 

The Wrong Shop. 

Irate Mourner —See here, I thought you said you had your 
own horses and carriages? 

Undertaker — That’s what I have and that’s what was used at 
the funeral. 

Irate Mourner — I supposed, of course, the horses were 
trained into something like a respectful demeanor; but, sir, 
they came back from the cemetery as if home from a race. 

Undertaker — Oh, that’s what’s the matter. Well, if you 
waqted horses which would travel in mourning style both ways 
why didn’t you go to a livery stable? 





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163 



Small Boy —Mamma, Colonel Jones has a wooden arm. 
Guess which one ? 

Mamma (politely guesses the wrong one). 

Small Boy — Wrong, guess again ? 


Perhaps They Were Right. 

Maude — At Miss Doolittle’s luncheon to-day the girls were 
all talking about your marriage, Mamie. They said your hus¬ 
band was old and decrepit, and that you married him for his 
money. 

Mamie — And what did you say, Maude? 

Maude — I said that you did not do any such thing. 

Mamie — H-have you seen my husband, Maude? 

Maude — No. 

Mamie — I thought not. 

The Hustler, *1. 



















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164 



Caution Born of Experience. 


“ Mah mammy, she gwine ter hab comp’ny ter night. 
Wan’s ter know ’f yo’ll go len her a hahm fer ter ornymen’ de 
table viv.” 

“ Am de Clay boys gwine to be dar ? ” 

“ Umph.” 

" Yo’ go tell yo’ mammy I done shet down on de char’t’ble 
interiah dec’ration bizness las’ time dem boys ate ’way frum 
hohm. ” 


A Dangerous Practice. 

Jinks —What’£ the matter, Blinks, you look unwell. 

Blinks —Caught my death of cold to-day—shivered all the 
way down to the office. 

Jinks —Wern’t you dressed as warm as usual? 

Blinks —Yes, but just as I was leaving the house, that 
infernal fool of a Blinkson told me what the thermometer was. 














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ie*5 



A Nice Distinction. 

Mistress —Have I not forbidden you, Marie, to entertain 
men in the kitchen? 

Marie — Oui, Madam; but zee voice zat you hear ees not a 
voice of a man. 

Mistress — No ? 

Marie —Non, Madame; eet is a policeman. 

Taking Care of the Stock. 

New Jersey Wife — John, I’d like some wood split right 
away. 

New Jersey Husband —Can’t do it for ten minutes. I 
haven’t driven the mosquitoes down to water yet. 

Western Society Phrases. 

Boston Mother —Oh, yes, all my daughters are in society 
now. My youngest came out last week. 

Chicago Woman •— We say “ make her debut ” out West. Oh, 
by the way, has she made a mash yet? 





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He Found a Good Name. 

Young Wife — John, dear, have you decided what name to 
give our dear, precious, sweet little baby? 

Young Husband — Yes; I have found a very appropriate 
one. 

Young Wife — What is it? 

Young Husband (who has paced the floor with “ precious ” 
o' nights) — Insomnia. 


Another Excuse. 

“ I see that bacteria have been discovered in Hudson River 
ice,” observed Fangle. 

“ Ah! ” replied his wife; “ that will be another excuse for 
raising the price, I suppose.” 


A Troublesome Law. 

“ Will you please pass the butter?” said the landlady’s 
daughter to the star boarder. 

“ I’m sorry,” replied the latter, who was a railway clerk, 
“ but the new law prohibits all passes. ” 


She Knew Him. 

“ Did my husband come in on this train? ” anxiously in¬ 
quired a very masculine looking woman of the depot master. 

“ I never saw your husband, madam. Don’t know whether 
he came or not. Where did he come from? ” 

“ Syracuse.” 

“ Well, come to think, there was a man with his pants in his 
boots got off the train.” 

“ Yes? ” ' 

“ He was very much frightened at first, but when he had 
looked about the depot, and didn’t see the one he was looking 
for, he kind of braced up and went away.” 

“ That’s John! ” she said, and she turned on her heel to hunt 
him up. 





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167 



At the Jersey Pigeon Shoot. 

Master of Ceremonies — Why don’t you fire, man? The 
trap’s sprung! 

Crack English Shot (who has passed the previous night near 
the grounds — I thought those were some more of your blawsted 
mosquitoes, yer knaw. 

Going into Mourning. 

Manager of Theatre — Well, the proprietor of the house is 
dead. We must do something to show our respect for his 
memory. 

Treasurer — Yes, of course. I suppose you’ll close the house 
for a night or two. 

Manager —No-o. Business is too good. I’ll put the chorus 
|n black tights for a week, though. 




168 


THE HUSTLER 


Preaching and Practice. 

Great Editor — Well, what’s the matter now? 

Reporter — The local editor has just assigned me to a job 
which will keep me going four hours longer, and I have already 
been working steadily for sixteen hours and am nearly dead. 
Therefore I appeal to you to reverse his action, considering that 
I am paid only fifteen dollars a week. \ 

G. E. — See here, sir; are you not aware that for me, the 
owner of this paper, to interfere between my lieutenants and 
their underlings would be subversive of all discipline? 

R m _But I can’t stand the labor they require, and neither 

can any other man, more than a month at a stretch. 

G. E. — Reporters are plenty enough, and fresh men can be 
found when wanted. What is the job you are to be sent out on 
now? 

R m _He wants me to interview twenty-five labor agitators. 

G. E. — Start at once, sir. I must have their views before 
•I can finish my article on “ Five Hours Work, Ten Hours Play, 
Nine Flours Sleep and Ten Dollars a Day. 


She Changed Her Mind. 

Mrs. Pious — I do wish, Mr. McSnorter, that you would 
come up and see my husband. He is very ill, and I am afraid 
will die without experiencing religion. Don’t you think 
you can convince him of the necessity of atoning for his past 
neglect? 

Rev. McSnorter —I will try, Mrs. Pious. I will come up 
this afternoon and see if I can’t induce him to leave some of his 
fortune to the new theological seminary. 

Mrs. Pious (hastily) — On second thought, Mr. McSnorter, 
I don’t believe your presence will be necessary. 


“ They have some queer whisky bottles in Atlanta. One 
looks just like a book.” Bacon must have had the perusal of 
one of these books in his mind when he said: “ Reading makes 
a full man. ” 




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169 



Anxious Skipper — The barometer has fallen, sir. 

Unnautical Sailoress — Never mind, Captain! Don’t feel so 
badly over it. We can get another when we get to Key West. 


A Settled Fact. 

Wife — John, I want seven dollars for a dog collar. 

Husband —Seven dollars ! You must be crazy. All I pay 
for my collars is twenty-five cents. 

Wife —Yes, John, but you’re no dog. 


He Liked What He Saw of It. 

Dramatic Author — What did you think of my play ? 

Friend —I liked what I saw of it. 

Dramatic Author — What part was that ? 

Friend — I got in just as the curtain was descending on the 

last act. 











170 


THE HUSTLER 


A Wound-Up Witness. 

“ Now, madam,” said the attorney for the prosecution to a 
small, wiry, thin-lipped witness, “ please tell us in as few words 
as possible all you know about this case.” 

“ I’ll do that, sir,” was the decided reply, “ and I’ll do it in 
mighty short order. And I’ll tell the truth, the hull truth, and 
nothing but the truth. Lying don’t run in our fam’ly. If 
there’s anything on top of this created earth that I-” 

“ Confine yourself to the case, please. ” 

“ I’ll do that , sir ; don’t you be a bit skeered ’bout Man'dy 
Marier Perkins. She’s been on the witness stand before, she 
has, and a hull raft of lawyers and the jedge throwed in tried 


“ Please state what you know about the case of the State vs. 
John Doe.” 

“ To be shure I will. That’s what I’m here for. My land, 
didn’t I leave my reg’lar Monday wash over till Tuesday and 
put off bread bakin’ a-purpose to come and tell that very thing. : 
Of course I did. And if this court thinks it can tangle ’Mandy 

Marier Perkins up on her evidence, it’s badly left, for-” 

“But this has nothing to do with the case. Do you know 
John Doe ? ” 

“Me know old John Doe? Me? Great Scott! Why, 
man alive, John Doe’s first wife’s brother and my sister-in-law’s 

half cousin used to be sweet on each other, and-” 

“Please confine yourself strictly to facts relating to this case.” 

“ Facts ? If it ain’t facts I’m giving you my name ain’t ; 

’Mandy Marier-” 

“ We know what your name is. ” 

“ Well, it’s a name that the finger of scorn can’t be pointed 

at. My fam’ly r^-cord is as straight and as clear as-- ” 

“ We don’t doubt it, madam ; but-” 

“ I could prove it if you did doubt it. Lyin’ don’t run in our 
fam’ly. If I was once caught in an out and out lie I think to 
the land I’d-” 

She began at ten in the morning; and at 12.30 she had run 
down sufficiently to make manifest the information that she 








THE HUSTLER 


i 7 i 


had never seen John Doe in all her life, and that all she knew 
about the case had been told her by her husband’s sister’s aunt’s 
half-brother’s wife’s step-son’s mother-in-law, who come of a 
family that “ run to lies.” 



me take yours. 

Little Toodles —No; you don’t know what I it ian. I thought 
it would be so nice for you to skate ahead of me and find all 
the weak places in the ice 


A lad walked eighteen miles in his sleep the other day. That 
boy has the making of an ideal policeman. 












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A Good “ Morrel ” Town. 

A Boston woman wrote to the mayor of a new town in 
Wyoming, asking him for information regarding the state of 
society in his town, as she contemplated going there for the 
benefit of the health of her children. On receiving his reply 
: :ie concluded to remain in Boston for awhile longer. The 
in ay or wrote: 

“ As for sowciety, it is bang up. This is a mity morrel 
town considerin’ that there’s sixty-nine saloons to a poppyla- 
tion of 2,000. But every saloon has a sine up, sayin’: 4 All 
fitin’ must be done outside.’ ‘ No Killing allowed in This 
Room.’ Only two men has been killed since Monday, and 
to-morrer will be Wensday. Cheating at gambling is pun¬ 
ished by lynchin’, and every effort is made to put the town on 
a good morrel baysis. Ladies is universally respected, and I 
sell them beer at half price when they buy at my place. There 
is a grand sacred concert and free dance here ev’ry Sunday 
night and preaching every Sunday that the pastor don’t have 
ter stay to home on account of the big rush at his bowling- 
alley. Don’t hezzytate about coming here on ackount of 
sowciety. This is a morrel town.” 


Demanding a Retraction. 

Col. Ponsonby — I understand that in the last issue of the 
Bugle you said Major Ryan was my fidus achates. 

Editor — Well, yes, Colonel, I did. 

Col. Ponsonby — Well, I want you to understand he is 
nothing of the sort. Major Ryan is one of the best friends I 
have. 


A Generous Heart. 

Beggar — Gimme a penny, mister ? 

Gentleman — Yes, here you are. 

Beggar —Here, hold on ; this is counterfeit. 

Gentleman — Well, keep it ; it’ll do you as much good as it 
will me. 




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173 



Servant —If you please, mum, I’d like you to come and look 
at the bread. I don’t know whether it’s done or not. 

Housekeeper —Mercy, Mary, I wish you wouldn’t bother me 
with such things. I know nothing about cooking, and besides 
I’m busy just now writing my weekly letter on household 
recipes. 


A Sad Chicago Romance. 

Gotham Man —Got tired of Chicago, eh! 

Chicago Man— l have concluded to settle in New York 
























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because I need new associations. I had a very sad romance in 
Chicago, and familiar scenes are now very painful to me. 

G. M. —I suppose so. 

C. M. —Yes, I was in the shoe business there and was 
engaged to a girl, but at the last moment she refused and mar¬ 
ried some one else. Then I sued her to recover $25 for a pah 
of shoes I had made for her. 

G. M. —Humph! 

C. M. —You see it was the only way I could get even with 
her. 

G. M. —I can’t see much satisfaction in that. 

C. M. —Revenge, sir, sweet revenge! In the bill of particu¬ 
lars I charged only two dollars for the making and twenty-three 
dollars for the material. 


A Corrected Error. 

Mrs. Gineral Jackson —“ Hi, yo’ Missus Julius C. Wintah- 
bottom, yo’ better look out how yo’ goin’ roun’ prewaricatin’ 
’bout me.” 

Mrs Julius C. Winterbottom —“ Hauh? Who’s pewaricatin’, 
I’d like to know?” 

Mrs. Gineral Jackson — Yo* is. Did’n yo’ go cirk’late roun’ 
dat Gineral Jackson wah my sixth husban’? 

Mrs. Winterbottom —Well ? 

Mrs. Gineral Jackson —It ain’t the truf; he’s on’y my fifth. 
Now yo’ bettah min’ yo’se’f aftah dis, an’ stop tryin’ to mek out 
like as if I made a bizness ob marryin’. 


How He Liked It. 

“ Did you ever play poker?” 

“ Once.” 

“ How did you like the game?” 

“ I was very much taken with it.” 

“ Were you?” 

“ Yes; taken in. ” 



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A Ma!-a-propos Question. 


Arthur and Clarence are so devoted to the game, that they 
have just pawned their overcoats to enable them to indulge in 
billiards. 

Attendant (briskly): Goin’ter play th’ three ball game, gents? 


Horrible. 

First Saleslady —-What a vindictive girl that person over at 
the umbrella counter is. 

Second Saleslady —Indeed! 

First Saleslady— Yes; she told Maggie Root yesterday that 
she wouldn’t give her a mouthful of food if she was drowning. 














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Poop Mandy. 

We announce with pleasure that the man mentioned in the 
following tale was ridden on a rail and ducked in a mud puddle 
when the facts in the case became known to his friends. 

As a reward for her twenty-five years of slave-like labor on 
his farm he had taken his wife to a circus. 

When the lemonade man came around, the old lady looked 
wistfully toward it and said to this champion mean man— 

“ That’s lem’nade, ain’t it, paw?” 

“ I reckon so,” said “ paw.” “ Jest look at them elephants, 
maw.” 

“ It looks like it might be right good,” said ma, her eyes still 
fixed on the lemonade. 

“ Looks air deceivin’, maw; and the best o’ lem’nade made 
ain’t fit stuff to put into one’s stummicks. ” 

I’ve heerd it was healthy, paw.” 

“ Well, it ain’t; it’s—jest see that fool clown! ” 

“ I’m mighty dry, paw.” 

“ Well, the show won’t last more’n an hour longer, I reckon, 
an’ then we’ll hunt up a good well. ” 

“ It’s ben so long since I swallowed any lem’nade that I’ve 
clean forgot how it tastes. ” 

“ It ain’t very good.” 

“ I liked it powerful, last I had of it. It looks amazin’ good 
and I’m ’bout choked. Wonder if it’s as good as it looks.” 
The lemonade man came closer; “ paw” asked— 

“ What’s the damidge for a glass of it ? ” 

“ Five cents.“ 

“ All right; hand us over a glass — that one with the piece 
of lemon rine in it.” 

He took the glass; a grateful look came into maw’s face; it 
died away and gave place to one of cruel disappointment as 
paw, with two mighty gulps, drained the glass to its last drop, 
fished out the slice of lemon and said, as he handed it to her— 
“ It was mighty good, Mandy; you kin have the rine to 
carry home an’ season up your next batch of dried apple sass 
with. Best lem’nade I ever drunk in my life. ” 


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Force of Habit. 

Conductor —Tickets, please. 

Einstein (taking a nap, but speaking from the heart)—Veil, 

vot you got? - 

Their Fine Arts. 

“ I presume the West is still too new for the people there to 
be greatly interested in the fine arts,” said Mrs. Esthetic to 
Mrs. Cowboy, who was making a tour of the effete East. 

“ That’s where you’re off,” was Mrs. Cowboy’s reply. “ We 
never get left on a thing of that kind. My man can hit the 
bull’s-eye at forty rods every pop, and I ain’t any slouch at 
bringing down a bird on the fly myself. We have reg’lar 
shooting-matches often in our town, and crowds come. ^ We 
have wheelbarrer races and climbing a greased pole ana dog 
fights and a great many other improving performances. Oh, 
we know what culcher and fine arts is, we do. i- 


















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!?$ 

Dakota Dick’s Diary. 

Jinuaree I.—Saw a scrap in a newspaper that all gentlemen 
keep diaries. As I perpose to keep in style, heer gose : 
Planted Cock-eyed Bill to-day. 

Jan. 2.—Lucky Long cot steelin’ a hoss; perfest his inner- 
cence; was strung up, though. 

Jan. 3.—Wildcat Tom, from Injeanny, tried to run the town, 
a kermitte wated on him and he dusted. 

Jan. 4.—-Drunk y 2 gal mounten due and won five dols at 
poker. 

Jan. 5 -—Chineyboys tried to work in their claim. Kermitte 
vetoed it. 

Jan. 6.—Sixteen redskins came into camp and lifted ten 
sculps. Pore Jim Simkins went under. 

Jan. 7.—Frog-face Frank got into a scrap with two fellers 
and got dunfer. 

Jan. 8.—Cleaned up my artillery. 

Jan 9—Invited to irrigate 17 times. 

Jan. 10.—Killed 2 pesky Injins to-day. Not much doin’ 

Jan. 11.—Strung up another hoss theef. 

Jan. 12.—Tiie editor of the Skinners Point Bazoo hung for 
getting off a chestnut. 

Jan. 13.—Citizens elected a coroner to-day, as that business 
is boomin’. 

Jan. 14.—Zinc toothed Joe, the new coroner, shot to-day. 

Jan 15.—Free fight. Four fellers guv up the gost, 

Jan 16.—Gess I’m tired of the diary biz. 


Merely a Precaution. 

He —What do you mean, Angelina, by instituting a breach 
of promise suit against me after our short engagement? 

She —It’s only a rule I’ve always adopted, George, dear, in 
matters of this kind. You’ve only known me four months. 

He —What of that? 

She —Well, I don’t know how it will be when you have 
known me longer. 

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